Polyish

Polyish: A space between polyamory & monogamy that is intense & intimate loving "friendships." Neither poly nor mono seems to fit. This is different that what is often labeled monogamish, a term that can often mean occasional sexual nonmonogamy.

Polyish relationships tend to be medium to long term, but don't have to be. They are emotionally intense & intimate relationships with people we love, whom we are committed to being there for, spending time with, loving, being emotionally vulnerable to, supporting, and nurturing each other in a way that would be culturally inappropriate in a monogamous context. Polyish friendships are not what some poly folks would consider to be polyamory. They may choose the label friends, but seem like more than friends, tends to have have some romantic alchemy, but not what is considered partners in a sexual or poly context.

I have also called this polylite.

This is similar to the quasiplatonic (aka queerplatonic) except that quasiplatonic tends not to have any or much romantic alchemy.

Thoughts on privacy

I think privacy is dead, that closets are going to be a thing of the past soon. Data is going to be increasingly insecure. We have seen it already, remember the Ashley-Madison hack as well as Clinton's emails?

I think we are all going to have our secrets dragged out into the open or stop using technology. Technology is going to force us to choose between transparency and convenience or isolation. Since technology is how we connect with one another, there really will not be a choice.

We are building an insecure, interconnected big-data society where people's habits, gender identity, sexual and relationship orientations, fantasies, fetishes and choice of partners will be laid bare. Since everyone will be revealed to be different the novelty of being different will be gone. We'll be just accepted as who we are. Everybody will be living in glass houses. We already are in fact, we just haven't embraced it.

I think the inability to hide or lie, and not get caught, is REALLY going to change how we view things like non-monogamy & sex work. I think people will have to be more honest & that is already happening & it is a really good thing.

This is bad for cheaters but great for polyamory. As cheating becomes more difficult, then impossible, I think polyamory will become the default model for non-monogamy.

Book Review: Coming Out Like A Porn Star, by Jiz Lee

Jiz Lee's book is an excellent anthology of over 55 short stories written by people in the adult-film industry. It's about their lives and experiences "coming out" to the significant "vanilla" people in their lives.

Sophia and I first heard about this book at the 2016 CatalystCon West Conference where Jiz Lee was giving a presentation about the book. Lee's presentation included several of the authors of stories in their book. This presentation changed forever our perception of porn stars and the adult-film industry.

The thing that most impressed us is how educated, intelligent and well spoken they are. The common misconception that all porn stars are either trafficked or do porn out of desperation was quickly obliterated. These porn stars are smart cookies all who do porn by choice as part of their sexual expression as well as as a job. They love their work.

Porn stars are a sexual minority. In my opinion, this book matters for more than porn stars. This is a really important book for all sexual minorities. The consequences the writers wrote about that many suffered as a result of coming out points to the fact that there still are legally unprotected sexual minorities beyond those currently defined and protected as LGBTQIA. That's why this is such an important book not just for porn stars. For example, folks who are in consensually non-monogamous relationships do not currently have legal protections from discrimination.

The biggest question I had in reading this book, and meeting these authors, though, was; why can't people in our society just let people be who they are and accept other people as they are? I mean really; why should there be this much agony about people being open about their work, gender expression, sexual and relationship orientation?

Until that happens; in the real world, all sexual minorities need legal protection from discrimination in their housing, financial lives and employment.

This is an excellent and important book. I highly recommend it!

My Review of Wide Open, by Gracie X

Almost a year ago I wrote about starting to read Gracie X's excellent book. Not only did I read it, I read it twice; within about six month's. I never do that. I never reviewed it on this blog (an oversight) after I finished it. The following review was actually written about six months ago (after my second reading) for another venue. Sorry for the delay, but this is still true. Gracie is a smart visual writer and she continues to inspire me:

This is my favorite polyamory book...

I think Gracie's memoir can be compared to The Price of Salt, the book that inspired the movie Carol. The plot of Wide Open is similar in some respects to the plot of Carol, but in a more contemporary setting. If you look over time at the arc of change from the 1950s (when The Price of Salt was written) to now, our culture has been through a change from rigidity and non-acceptance to more flexibility, more tolerance and greater acceptance. I think that's a good thing. But, we have a long way to go.

No matter where you stand on ethical non-monogamy; the ideas are important here. Just as it was for same sex couples in the 50s, the rights of people to define their relationships and their own lives and shape their families need to be respected.

When done with the best interests of the children in mind, polyamorous families are good families. This is that story. Gracie X is a great mom and an excellent writer. This book is very well written and her intelligence shows. I recommend this book.

Being "In Love"

I have been thinking a lot about the term "in love." What does it mean to be in love?

Is it being in New Relationship Energy (NRE)? Not for me. NRE is strong and intoxicating for me. For me it's that shiny new toy thing. But, I have had NRE fade away as the realities of life  came back into focus or the bubble dreams popped. For me NRE is not in love, nor is it love, NRE is NRE. So, what is this being in love thing?

I thought about it more. I even posted to Reddit about it. I wondered if "in love" even existed. I started thinking that no, it didn't. I started thinking being in love is just layman's terminology for NRE. I started thinking, there is no such thing as being in love.

Then I was up at night and started thinking that maybe I was thinking all wrong about it. I have come to a new understanding of being in love as being in me. To me the emphasis is the word "in." In is like roots that have grown into my soil. It's not about romance at all. I am in love with my wife, with my kids, with my dearest friends, selected past partners and even with my cat.

What if being in love has nothing to do with romance? What if instead being in love is about letting someone into your being, into your soil, into your soul?

Now that's a powerful concept to carry into life, to carry into polyamory.

It is over

We decided not to put a label on it, since neither friends, nor partners seemed to fit. We were not sexual but it was intimate in its own way. I love her and she said she loved me. She is amazing, unlike anyone I have ever known. So unlike is she, that I seemed to have a talent for unintentionally stepping on landmines, pushing her buttons and making her angry. She's sensitive. There's nothing wrong with sensitive. But, it became awkward. Finally she said, enough. I guess we finally found a label that fits. It is over.

Decriminalize Sex Work Now

I do not understand how something that is legal and consensual when no money is involved becomes illegal when money is involved. Decriminalization is different than legalization.

According to the website ProCon, (accessed Oct. 2, 2016) Kimberly Klinger, writer, in the Jan.-Feb. 2003 The Humanist article "Prostitution, Humanism, and a Woman's Choice," wrote:

"Decriminalization essentially means the removal of laws against this (prostitution) and other forms of sex work…

By contrast the term legalization usually refers to a system of governmental regulation of prostitutes wherein prostitutes are licensed and required to work in specific ways…. This is the practice in Nevada, the only state in the United States where brothels are legal. Although legalization can also imply a decriminalized, autonomous system of prostitution, the reality is that in most 'legalized' systems the police control prostitution with criminal codes. Laws regulate prostitutes' businesses… prescribing health checks and registration of health status."

Consenting adults should be free to express their sexuality their own individual way, even if that involves the exchange of money. A common argument used against sex work is that laws against sex work are necessary to prevent human trafficking. According to the website ProCon the U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ), in "Fight Trafficking in Persons" on its website (accessed Apr. 19, 2007) stated:

"What is trafficking in persons? Trafficking in persons — also known as 'human trafficking' — is a form of modern-day slavery. Traffickers often prey on individuals who are poor, frequently unemployed or underemployed, and who may lack access to social safety nets, predominantly women and children in certain countries. Victims are often lured with false promises of good jobs and better lives, and then forced to work under brutal and inhuman conditions."

Trafficking is a terrible thing. Trafficking is slavery. Let me say it again human trafficking is a terrible thing and, decriminalizing sex work is NOT legalizing human trafficking. The fact that sex work is criminal encourages, not discourages, human trafficking because people involved in sex work are not protected by the law.

The illegality of sex work stigmatizes sex workers and makes it easier for sex workers to be victimized. Incarcerating sex workers makes it more, not less, likely that sex workers will have a hard time finding work other than sex work once they have a criminal record. The illegality of sex work makes it harder for sex workers to leave sex work.

It is long past time to decriminalize sex work. It's the right thing to do. It's the sex positive thing to do.

Feeling unispired

I am super excited about all the advances we have made as a culture moving towards embracing racial equality, different expressions of gender, sexual and relationship orientations. Then, I am shocked that an ass like Trump, who is seeming to run on a platform of hate, intolerance and bigotry can be so embraced by such a large percentage of our country's population. It just boggles my mind. It especially boggles my mind that so many people who embrace Trump claim to be Godly people. Really, Trump, Godly?

Excellent Gracie X Interview

Here is an excellent Relationships 2.0 podcast interview by Dr. Michelle Skeen of Gracie X on polyamory and her book Wide Open.

Reference:

http://www.iheart.com/show/27215456?episode_id=27724788

Looking back on Catalyst Con West, 2016

Last weekend my wife Sophia and I went to the 2016 version of Catalyst Con West, in Los Angeles, CA. This was our first Catalyst Con and it was a fantastic conference. We both enjoyed it. Special thanks to Dee Dennis for creating this great event.

The session that most exceeded my expectations was Coming Out Like a Porn Star with Jiz Lee, Joanne Angel, Casey Clavert and JackHammerXXL. I was deeply moved by them reading their stories of coming out, from of the book by Jiz Lee, Coming Out Like a Porn Star. The power of narrative is amazing and this anthology was a great way to humanize sex workers and their experience. I will be recommending this to my friends, especially my vanilla friends.

The slut shaming panel was very good, as was Andre Shakti's session. The session on poly was good as was the ethical porn session as well as Joan Price's session. I didn't learn a lot I didn't already know in Joan's session or the poly session; which is not so surprising as these are in my wheelhouse. Joan is just such a sweet person it's always a pleasure seeing her.

The session I found the most disappointing was the session on female libido and testosterone. This felt like a pharma sales pitch. I was disappointed that I could not be in multiple places at one time. Sometimes I had to choose between two sessions and sometimes, looking back, I felt I made the wrong choice. I wish I had chosen the session I hadn't attended. Especially the session by Dr. Marylou Naccarato; I am kicking myself for not attending her session now. Sophia and I went separately to different sessions this hour and we both missed her session. Marylou is an amazing person. Sophia and I really enjoyed meeting her and Michael Gogin. Omnipresence would have really been helpful at this conference!

A minor critique. The biggest disappointment was the closing plenary. Far too much time was spent moving people into and out of the circle and defining very granular categories regarding attendee demographics. The much more important planning session ended up feeling way too rushed.

I plan to go again. I hope to put together a plan for doing a session at next year's conference, that's how much I liked this event!

How many marriages would be open?

I have no evidence to back this up, but I believe that if there was not the cultural stigma against non-monogamy that 75% of all marriages would be open emotionally and/or physically in our society. I think this is our natural emotional state and that our bodies are made not to be monogamous. In fact I believe that holding back love is a disease our culture has inflicted upon itself.

I feel so lucky that I and my spouse are free to romantically love other people.

"What use am I ... if I'm living against my own grain?” ― Carol Aird, in the novel The Price of Salt (Carol) by Patricia Highsmith

Polycatery

Well it's six am. Our cat Shadow is in my lap which is causing my cat Pixel to be a jealous twit. I can love both cats. I told Pixel that. Pixel is all about hierarchies and right now he really wants to exercise primary privilege and veto Shadow off my lap. I told him Shadow has agency here but Pixel is not buying that argument.

Sigh, Polycatery drama...   

British TV show slandering Gracie X

According to Polyamory in the News!, Poly In The Media:

The daytime British TV show "This Morning," on the ITV network, broadcast a 7-minute remote interview with Gracie X and her husband Oz (June 29). The interview is excellent. However, the show falsely titled the segment "Having Sex With Strangers Makes Me A Better Mum" and left that title onscreen below her for the entire seven minutes! She never said she has sex with strangers, though the title is phrased as a direct quote.

I love Gracie and her excellent book. She and her husband Oz are very brave for being so transparent with their lives and their family. They do not deserve to be treated this way.

This kind of treatment can have a very chilling effect on poly people coming out and being public. It encourages shaming and in fact, in my opinion, it is slander.

Watch the video, tell me what you think. Is "Having Sex With Strangers Makes Me A Better Mum" really what Gracie and Oz are saying?

Of course it isn't!

First date set

Deepak Chopra says, "Everyone is acting from his own level of consciousness." Everyone is in their own universe. One of my favorite parts of getting to know a new person is contemplating how they think. By learning about them you get a window into a new universe, their unique universe. To me that is the best part. Visiting that new universe.

When you first get to know someone, everything is information. We set a lunch date. When Anna asked where I wanted to meet for lunch I said, "I want you to pick." She said why? I said, "because where you would choose tells me a lot about you. It's data and I am not going to say more because it will skew the results."

She said, "I like that." She picked a crepe place that served wine, found a time that worked around her busy schedule. We were on, we had a date. I was like a kid waiting for Christmas. I know it was just lunch, but it felt like more and it was. I was going to visit Anna's universe...

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Timing is Everything

When I look back on falling for Anna I realize, I fell pretty hard. Generally, I know better. The younger version of me would have held back more, well maybe. This is Anna after all...

A lot of it was, and is, that she is freaking amazing! That spiritual connection thing we had, too, was pretty amazing. Since my current relationships were long established and full of old relationship energy (ORE) PRE/NRE was something that I hadn't experienced for a long, long time. Of course, she seemed really into me at the time too, that helped.

But, there was one more thing...timing.

Not long ago I turned 60. Those of you who are over 30, remember when you turned 30?

Sixty is 30 x 2 and I am not just talking about math. There is this little voice that goes off with aging that says, "maybe this will never happen again. Maybe I need to feel the crap out of this. Maybe I will never, ever, have anything this astounding, in this way, happen in my life again."

I didn't remember hearing that voice directly at that time. I don't think it was driving me. But, I can't deny it might have been there...

There was another timing issue that turned out to be much bigger than I first imagined. I had my kids very young. So I am at the grandkids stage. She had her kids later in life. Though she is not a whole super lot younger than me, she's younger and at a much different place in life. I have time and she is super busy and well...

Timing is everything.

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After Orlando

We can't let haters stop us from being who we are, loving who and how we love, enjoying our lives and speaking the truth, our truth, no matter what that is. That's what we have to do! We have come too far to let them slow us down. Haters are going to hate, sometimes even kill; but we are not going back in the closet.

PRE before NRE

According to wikipedia:

Schrödinger's cat is a thought experiment, sometimes described as a paradox, devised by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger in 1935... The scenario presents a cat that may be simultaneously both alive and dead, a state known as a quantum superposition, as a result of being linked to a random subatomic event that may or may not occur.

A new crush is a lot like Schrödinger's cat. Basically this paradox says that until something is observed, it's state cannot be expressed as being one thing or another. It's a super power in that in this superposition it's not one possibility but the crush is, for a short time, all possibilities.

When you have such a new crush there is no way of knowing if the object of your new crush is going to be a new lover, a new friend or someone you will eventually block on Facebook.

To me this new potential relationship has an energy all its own. This energy derives from the mystery of not knowing what it is going to be. This is different from NRE (new relationship energy) and I am going to refer to it as PRE (pre-relationship energy). I prefer using the term PRE over NRE in this case, because technically at this stage you don't even know if you ever will be in a relationship together, much less what that relationship will be. The box has not yet been opened...

After meeting Anna I was hit with more PRE (or NRE if you prefer) than I imagined would be possible at 60. The flirting was intense between us. The bubble dreams were spewing like crazy. In preparation of what might be, I got tested. (Frankly, I needed to do that anyway and was already thinking about it.)

My friend Jim said I was like this whole different and ungrounded version of Sam. Buckle up Jim! It was going to be a hell of a fun ride, no matter how it might end.

My wife Sophia supported my crush, but neither of us had ever had a crush on someone else this intense in the decades we've been together. Sophia became hesitant and wary of what was going on, but she was wise to let it play out.

My relationships with my wife (and another partner Dana) have a totally different kind of energy. They both have decades of history. They have old relationship energy (ORE) and ORE has its own kind of super power coolness!

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Primary Numbers

In my life I have known only a few people who, when I met them, they were so unique I truly was surprised. I am saying this as a 60 year-old who has met a lot of people. These unique people, I can't compare them to anybody else. I think the older you get, the more people you have met, the rarer this is. It's like the distribution of primary numbers. At my age they are like large primary numbers, very rare & notable when you find them.

Anna is one of those people. Meeting her was like living the words of the Lady Gaga Song, "I've never seen one like that before... You amaze me!" I fell into deep crush almost immediately, an experience totally unexpected. I am not looking to "meet" anyone. I wasn't looking to do anything that night but meet an author I admired.

Instead I was hit by lightening and the chemistry was mutual. I got a copy of her book and she made sure I had her business card. I was crushing over her body, her mind, her soul, over the very fact that she existed on my planet.

Did I mention Anna is tall? Years ago I dated a woman, Kelly, the tallest woman I had dated up to that point. Kelly is considered tall for a woman. Kelly is four inches shorter than Anna. Kelly's husband was not much taller than Kelly. Kelly said she liked going out with me and being able to have her hair up and wear heals. Kelly did not feel she could do that with her husband.

Anna looks me straight in the eye. Anna rocks being tall! She wears heals, big hair and tells the world you will take me as I am! Anna is a warrior! This warrior, I could immediately see, is also tender. This warrior has a wonderful heart. I love that in a woman. This warrior is a sweetie.

I left mesmerized.  Her book, an instant talisman, was in my hand. Let the online flirting begin, and did it ever, did it ever!

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In that singularity

Looking back on a few months ago I have come to the appreciation that the first six months of this year have been profound.

Meeting Anna changed me. I am still trying to understand it. She blew into my life like a hurricane (and is now a gentle zephyr.) She blew away a lot of stuff that needed to be cleared out. Now I am trying to figure out what to do with what I can now clearly see. But, I am getting ahead of myself...

When I was in the same room with her, at the book reading, I knew I was in the presence of an oracle. This amazing woman had a soul my soul was hungering for. I knew she knew it too. I knew she felt it too.

We were meant to connect. At this point the nature of that connection would be, was unclear. This was the quantum stage where everything that could be both was and was not. After a long conversation about her book, polyamory and life there was a ritual.

I am not going to explain it, just understand that it was so. This woman and I looked straight into each others eyes and I said to her, "thou art Goddess..."

In that singularity. I absolutely meant it. In that moment, I could not mean anything more.

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Bubble Dreams

And along came Anna...

I like the term "bubble dreams" to refer to fantasies and/or dreams you have about someone you have a major crush on, but where a potential relationship has not yet defined itself. This is during that smitten period, before NRE, when you have no idea if the bubble dreams even possibly can become real, or if they will just pop and go away.

It was not planned, but it was foreseen. I can't explain it better than that. For about six months before I met Anna I had dreams, dreams of a person, dreams of a place - that made no sense. This is going to sound woo-woo; but somehow I knew she was coming.

I had read her book and thought it was wonderful. Her book was a love story. But, this is not about her book, it's about Anna. This amazing author was at a local book reading and I had to go. I had no idea at the time she was the woman I had the premonitions about, until I was in the same room with her. I was instantly smitten.

I had no idea she was going to change my life. They say people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I am still hoping for a lifetime. I am hoping that's not the last bubble dream.

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Polyamory, a person can be be polyamorous and monogamous

My current definition of poly...
The meaning of the word polyamory changes with context. It is common in the English language for a word to have more than one meaning. As with some other words, it's possible to use the same word in a sentence in two different contexts.

Polyamory as a way to structure relationships:
Polyamory (loving many) is a way to structure open relationships that focuses on the option of emotional romantic (and often sexual) attachment in a context of consent of all parties involved. There are a lot of specifics that can vary depending on the relationship agreements of the parties involved.

So, my taxonomy would be non-monogamy/open relationships/poly with poly being a subset of open and open being a subset of non-mono. Rather than being polar opposites, in my opinion, there is a multi-dimensional spectrum of possibilities including swinging and polyamory.

Polyamory as an orientation:
In another context Polyamory (loving many) can be a type of relationship orientation where a person finds they are non-monogamous by nature and would prefer to be able to honestly and openly be who they are.

Implications:
A person can be polyamorous and monogamous, at the same time!

1. A person can be living in a polyamorous relationship structure and themselves be monogamous or find they are not happy because their own relationship orientation is monogamous.
2. A person can be in a monogamous relationship structure and find themselves wishing they could be able to honestly and openly express romantic love and/or have intimate relationships with other people - but be unable to transition their current relationship or leave it. It may not even be physically safe for them to be poly, even though they may self identify as poly.

Note:
I was poly long before there was a term poly. Whether I acted on them or not, whether I was free to do so or not, I would develop deep romantic connections for multiple people all the time. It took me 40 years to realize I was not broken, that was and is my orientation. I can make a decision to live mono, but that's not my heart's path. It's like someone who is mono and bi. Choosing a person of either gender to be mono with does not make a bi person not be bi. I will die poly no matter what my relationship status is.

Poly Argument for MFM

I have found that most (not all) "public" examples of polyamory are FMF (two females one male) with the two women being bi. This seems to be the predominant model both sexually and emotionally. I don't know why this is, it seems there is a cultural bias favoring FMF.

Why?

It seems to me that our bodies are telling a different story. I have done both FMF and MFM and dare I say, especially sexually, MFM works better. It's much easier for two men to please a woman, & for a woman to please two men, than the other way around. In FMF the refractory period can be a problem. In MFM it is a benefit.

In MFM two men can work together to bring higher levels of stimulation to the woman. One man can be fingering, or using a small vibe on, her clitoris while the other is moving in and out of her. This is, in fact, one of my favorite ways of having sex.

I think Christopher Ryan was spot on on this one.

An added benefit is in MFM the woman is typically in the middle. On sleepovers, in the the middle of the night, as a man, it is much easier to get up to pee when you are not in the middle.

My review of The Price of Salt, by Patricia Highsmith

This was one of the best books I have ever read. The quality of writing is rich and layered like a glass of fine red wine. It is intelligent and full of passion in and of the story.

Salt, as I read it, is a metaphor for passion, love and companionship - the kind person who normative people often call "the one." So the title translates to, the price of being with the one.

This book is an important book on so many levels. I think it is a story that poly people need to pay attention to.

According to Wikipedia:

The Price of Salt (later republished under the title Carol) is a 1952 romance novel by Patricia Highsmith, first published under the pseudonym "Claire Morgan".

At the time homosexuality was a crime and just being a lesbian could be enough to cost a woman custody of her child. The topic was so sensitive the author had to use a pseudonym (as so many of us, myself included, do in Polyland).

In the book, Carol Aird and a woman named Therese become lovers. While, at the same time, Carol and her estranged husband Harge are going through a divorce. Carol and Harge have a young daughter, Rindy. The book is about Carol's relationship with Therese and how that romance is used as a weapon by Harge, in their divorce, to take Rindy away from Carol.

The Price of Salt is a wonderful love story, and so much more. In terms of same sex relationships, it also tells the story of how bad things were for same sex couples, how far we have come and how cultural values can destroy, instead of reinforce, loving families that are not culturally normative.

We can look back on history and say, "shame on them then." But, these kinds of attacks still go on involving people who love differently.

Gracie X, an excellent mom, went through a similar court battle as chronicled in her book Wide Open. Like Harge in The Price of Salt, Gracie's partner Oz's estranged spouse went after Oz and tried to block his custody rights because of his relationship with Gracie. This kind of stuff still happens.

Knowing what Gracie and Oz and their kids went through and knowing that this kind of story is not just history, but in other contexts is political science, made The Price of Salt especially poignant for me.

I see a real similarity in the plot behind both of these books. They are both love stories with lovers, who are good parents, battling a sex negative culture. I strongly recommend both books!

My review of A Life Less Monogamous, by Cooper S. Beckett.

Ryan and Jennifer are a couple who’s monogamous marriage is growing sexually stale. They meet a swinger couple and decide to do something bold. In the process they discover themselves.

This is the story line in A Life Less Monogamous – a novel about swinging by Cooper S. Beckett.

When people ask me about opening up their marriage, I advise them to imagine what it’s going to be like; then be prepared for the experience to be unlike anything they have imagined.

For Cindy and I, like Ryan and Jennifer in the book, ethical non-monogamy was an amazing journey of sexual as well as almost spiritual discovery of others and of ourselves. For me, it continues to be.

Cooper’s book is very human. It touches on the raw feelings and yes, emotions, that are often brought up by the various forms of non-monogamy. If you are already ethically non-monogamous, read this book and be prepared to ask yourselves new questions about your experiences. I know I did.

If you are monogamous, considering non-monogamy, this is a must read. It’s a great book even though it’s not a how-to manual.

If I have one minor nit is there seems to be an emerging narrative of non-monogamy stories embracing non-monogamy as a cure for relationship bed death. Yes, it can be that. I am concerned that this may emerge as building a use case for non-monogamy as a prescription, rather than non-monogamy being seen as an opportunity for fulfillment and discovery and authenticity as I believe non-monogamy can be.

Thank you Cooper S. Beckett, this is a great book. I think we need more ethical non-monogamy fiction. Stories like this build a case for ethical non-monogamy not only being possible, but also for ethical non-monogamy providing an opportunity for growth.

I may have to get Cooper to sign my Kindle, again.

Imagine

Imagine seeing the beauty and virtues of a beloved and letting go of how their strengths might meet our needs or how their beauty might make us look better.

Imagine seeing another in a clean light of love, without enumerating the ways in which that person does and does not match up to the fantasy we carry around of our perfect mate or dream lover.

Imagine meeting another person in the freedom and innocence of childhood and playing together, without plotting how to make this person give us the kind of love we wish we could have gotten in our actual childhood.

-- The Ethical Slut

Thank you Multiamory for posting this to Facebook.

My reply: This is wonderful. It's been a long time since I read this book and I had forgotten this. Sometimes it's so heartbreaking being poly. Sometimes I can't believe how lucky we are to be able to love people like this.

How do you define metamour?

Recently I have been having a great twitter exchange with the amazing Gracie X and the wonderful folks at Multiamory about metamour relations and then, what constitutes a metamour. This follows the recent Multiamory podcast on metamour relations.

I said I think that the definition needs to be fuzzy.

Here's why I said that:

If we refer to it as (only) "your partner’s partners being your metamours" that means we apply a test to the principles here.

Here is a real situation...

I have a friend who has a husband and two very close male friends, one of whom is me. Even though we have never gone beyond a kiss on the cheek I love this woman very much, I never forget her special days, we have our own things to do, etc.

If defining metamour relations means defining metamours, which means defining partners, which means defining polyamory...

That's way too many tests. The three of us men love this woman very much. Who among us is having sex with her is immaterial in the context of this. I am the only one of the three of us men who has had any experience with being and having real metamours. All these two other guys have to fall back on is testosterone, and they can be real jerks.

So, meta, means referring to itself. Amours means lovers. If the shoe fits. We are all lovers of this woman (as in people who love.) I wish we got along better. I don't care what label needs to be applied here to make that happen?

First Kiss

You, Me

Your Face, My Face

Your Eyes, My Eyes

Your Lips, My Lips

Our Lips, Our Lips

Our Lips, Our Lips

Our Lips

Something Happend

My very mellow and mild poly world is a world of ORE (old relationship energy) with souls I know really well. We have histories together that go back decades. I like that and it works. Metaphorically it's warm fires and cocoa with women I love. This is a type of poly that gets almost no press.

NRE, or anything like it, is not something I have felt in a very long time. Holy crap! I am remembering it much better now - after this last week.

Compersion and Jealousy

When I heard GracieX talk about compersion last Saturday I thought about my first wife Cindy and my own experiences with compersion decades ago. I thought about the first time I saw Cindy have sex with another man.

Besides finding it erotic I felt honored to be able to experience her enjoying sex from an angle I never could have, had it been she and I performing the act. I felt joy for Cindy and her sex partner and felt joy for myself for having that moment. To me that was a big deal. When I say honor I mean, our sexuality is a real human experience - like seeing a baby be born or seeing a person die. Human experiences can be joyous or tragic, but they are human experiences. To me, human experiences are something to be honored.

Jealousy for me has always been something else, totally something else. Jealousy for me has been this mysterious stew of emotions that usually defy logic and for me have root in my wounded child. It's not one thing or the other. It's not a spectrum for me with jealousy at one end and compersion at the other.

Truth and perceptions of truth

From what I have seen people often unconsciously build convenient (for them) memories of events often only loosely based on facts that casts themselves as victims and others as perpetrators. There is nothing you can do to change their truth. All you can do is live your truth and realize their story is not about you, the real you.

We were right after all

When my first wife Cindy and I opened our marriage in the 1970's the lack of an Internet was a curse for us because we didn't have instant access to a poly community to tell us how to do poly right and how to not do poly drama. Lenny and Mary were the only people we knew who had an open marriage. We shaped our non-monogamy together with only ourselves as resources. We had no insight of other voices to avoid the mistakes we made. Funny, but the lack of the Internet and other voices was also a blessing, because we had to use our own imagination. It did not occur to us to create rules or to establish hierarchies or to not give other lovers agency.

All we knew was that we loved each other but monogamy wasn't working for us and that non-monogamy was not something we wanted to end our marriage or break up our family over. Could we have done it better, heck yes! But, we broke what would now be considered poly rules and we found our own way. And, shouldn't finding your own way really be the goal?

Lacking even the word polyamory, and knowing what we were doing wasn't really purely swinging either, we made up our own word for what we were doing. It was a word that reflected more than a little self shaming. That word was weirdness. I wish we had appreciated the love and creativity in what we were doing more.

Now, sometimes, in my older age I think that society is catching up with us. I wish Cindy and Mary were still alive to see this. It would be interesting to be able to talk to them about what we were all doing that seemed so wrong and right at the same time; was really right after all.

Why poly matters

I think polyamory is most important because it provides a framework for people who are not monogamous by nature, to live an ethical life. Before polyamory the only way non-monogamous people, I am talking especially about people who are emotionally non-monogamous by nature, could live ethically was to deny their/our feelings. There was no way they/we could ethically be themselves/ourselves.

We would have to lie to ourselves, and to others, even when we were ethically physically monogamous. It's possible when you have romantic feelings for multiple people to not act on those feelings. But, that does not make those feelings not real and does not change who you are by nature. Not acting on feelings does not mean the feelings don't exist and does not mean you are not non-monogamous by nature.

Being married to Cindy did not keep me from falling in love with Mary, for example. Even had Mary and I never acted on that, we still would have felt it; I know I would have.

Being poly vs. living poly

I think that polyamory is a state of mind and/or a lifestyle; depending on the context of how the word is used.

As a state of mind I think it's possible for a person to be polyamorous and not to live polyamorously. There may be a number of reasons that a polyamorous person chooses to, or is unable to, live a polyamorously. For example, they may be in a relationship with a monogamous person who they love but for whom living poly is not something they can do. Another example are poly oriented people in cultures where poly is not an option. Go back 40 years and that was true in our culture.

Such a person might seem outwardly monogamous, but has a desire for, or an affinity toward, a poly lifestyle should that be an option. It may be the case that a person has one relationship that is sexually monogamous and maybe other relationship(s) that are emotionally polyamorous. Typically a state of mind like this is called an orientation. I consider that to be a polyamorous relationship orientation.

It's also possible, and sadly increasingly common, for people to live a polyamorous lifestyle but be monogamously oriented. People like this may be in a relationship with a polyamorusly oriented person, or persons, and just not be happy or able to be happy living polyamorously.

Frankly, I think people should try to live a life that matches their orientation. That takes knowing who you are and living a workable lifestyle that matches that knowledge.

As an aside, I believe it's easier for a poly oriented person to live a mono relationship than the other way around. But your mileage may vary on this.

Sex and Poly in the media

It seems interesting to me that a lot of what I see of polyamory in the media focuses on the sexual aspects of some folks' expression of poly. I think it's good that poly is getting out there. I think it's also good that people know there's more than one way to live sexually.
But, sex does not define polyamory. There is no contradiction in the term asexual polyamory. Sex alone is such a narrow perspective of some people's poly experience. Monogamy is not expressed that way in the media. In the media sexual expressions on monogamous relationships are more the exception than the norm. It's different in most representations of polyamory. I don't see much in the media that focuses on the emotional aspects of poly; on the experience of shared lives, love, affection, changing and growth over time of long term loving poly relationships and families.
Sex is not what defines polyamory, love and honesty is. I don't think that message is getting out in the media.

Folks will openly and ethically be who they are

Ever wonder what our culture will look like when polyamory becomes part of what is considered "normal" & people aren't expected to be mono? I like to think someday people will be able to introduce their spouses and other lovers to people they meet and not have a single eyebrow be raised. I like to think someday asking someone who's married out on a date will not be taboo, that the answer might be yes or no; without any backlash. I like to think someday being married, or in a relationship will not equate ownership. I like to think someday our culture will drop it's hypocrisy, that being nonmonogamous will be an option and not be a flaw; or a reason for shame. I like to think someday folks will be free to openly and ethically be who they are. I believe our culture will change for the better.

The Price of Salt by Patricia Highsmith

I'm reading The Price of Salt by Patricia Highsmith. The book, written in 1952, is elegant. This is an example of lesbian literature and gay fiction that I think illustrates the potential power of narrative. It is a compelling story of love up against a hetronormative culture. This book was recently made into the movie Carol. It took awhile, but love prevailed! I'd like to see poly novels written like this. I'd like to see examples of poly fiction that illustrate the potential power of narrative to tell compelling stories of love up against a mononormative culture.

The power of narrative

I am very interested in the power of narrative and how it shapes our enculturation and our perception of the possible. One example of a novel that changed the way people perceive reality, and the possible, was Upton Sinclair's 1906 novel The Jungle.

The poly memoirs that have been coming out are great; but the ability of an author to build a story in a memoir is constrained by details of history. Details can get in the way of the greater narrative. Plus, some of the recent memoirs are a little focused on "how to".

So far, Dr. Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli is the only person I know who has published a good real contemporary poly novel with her unique Young Adult book, Love You Two. The field seems to me to be open (pun intended) for some more "good" poly novels.

A poly fiction genre?

We recently saw the great movie Carol, based on the 1952 romance novel by Patricia Highsmith, first published under the pseudonym "Claire Morgan". The Price of Salt was a mold breaker in the genres lesbian literature and gay fiction.

I know there are some great poly memoirs out like The Game Changer by Franklin Veaux and Gracie X's great book Wide Open. There is even the fantastic young adult book Love You Two by Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli.

Is there a genre of Poly Literature, or Poly Fiction? Have there been any good intentional romance books written about relationships that work that are outside the mononormative mold?

I know there are fantastic books in the Sci-Fi/Fantasy mold like Heinlen's classic Stranger in a Strange Land.

I am especially interested in contemporary adult fiction books featuring healthy and working polyamorous relationships. Any suggestions?

Memories are not what used to be

I have been wondering a lot about memories of relationships & how they're affected by outcomes. That's one of the reasons I love journaling. Journaling not only gives you the ability to go back and check on how you describe an event when it is fresh but also to see how my recollection of a time of my like evolves based on where I am when I am doing the writing. I have come to the conclusion that memories are much more about where my head is at when I am doing the remembering than where it was when I was living what I am remembering.

We have just started watching the Showtime series The Affair. One of the important parts of the show's narrative is the concept of memory bias. It makes me wonder about my own memories. Much of this has been written about in this blog.

I have heard most couples who divorce have very different memories of the marriage that ended. I have seen how a couples memory of the first stages of their marriage changes from when they are happily married to later when they are bitter divorcees. All I can do is characterize things as I remember them, tell the truth as I remember it and acknowledge there is a weakness in that.