Being poly vs. living poly

I think that polyamory is a state of mind and/or a lifestyle; depending on the context of how the word is used.

As a state of mind I think it's possible for a person to be polyamorous and not to live polyamorously. There may be a number of reasons that a polyamorous person chooses to, or is unable to, live a polyamorously. For example, they may be in a relationship with a monogamous person who they love but for whom living poly is not something they can do. Another example are poly oriented people in cultures where poly is not an option. Go back 40 years and that was true in our culture.

Such a person might seem outwardly monogamous, but has a desire for, or an affinity toward, a poly lifestyle should that be an option. It may be the case that a person has one relationship that is sexually monogamous and maybe other relationship(s) that are emotionally polyamorous. Typically a state of mind like this is called an orientation. I consider that to be a polyamorous relationship orientation.

It's also possible, and sadly increasingly common, for people to live a polyamorous lifestyle but be monogamously oriented. People like this may be in a relationship with a polyamorusly oriented person, or persons, and just not be happy or able to be happy living polyamorously.

Frankly, I think people should try to live a life that matches their orientation. That takes knowing who you are and living a workable lifestyle that matches that knowledge.

As an aside, I believe it's easier for a poly oriented person to live a mono relationship than the other way around. But your mileage may vary on this.

Sex and Poly in the media

It seems interesting to me that a lot of what I see of polyamory in the media focuses on the sexual aspects of some folks' expression of poly. I think it's good that poly is getting out there. I think it's also good that people know there's more than one way to live sexually.
But, sex does not define polyamory. There is no contradiction in the term asexual polyamory. Sex alone is such a narrow perspective of some people's poly experience. Monogamy is not expressed that way in the media. In the media sexual expressions on monogamous relationships are more the exception than the norm. It's different in most representations of polyamory. I don't see much in the media that focuses on the emotional aspects of poly; on the experience of shared lives, love, affection, changing and growth over time of long term loving poly relationships and families.
Sex is not what defines polyamory, love and honesty is. I don't think that message is getting out in the media.

Folks will openly and ethically be who they are

Ever wonder what our culture will look like when polyamory becomes part of what is considered "normal" & people aren't expected to be mono? I like to think someday people will be able to introduce their spouses and other lovers to people they meet and not have a single eyebrow be raised. I like to think someday asking someone who's married out on a date will not be taboo, that the answer might be yes or no; without any backlash. I like to think someday being married, or in a relationship will not equate ownership. I like to think someday our culture will drop it's hypocrisy, that being nonmonogamous will be an option and not be a flaw; or a reason for shame. I like to think someday folks will be free to openly and ethically be who they are. I believe our culture will change for the better.

The Price of Salt by Patricia Highsmith

I'm reading The Price of Salt by Patricia Highsmith. The book, written in 1952, is elegant. This is an example of lesbian literature and gay fiction that I think illustrates the potential power of narrative. It is a compelling story of love up against a hetronormative culture. This book was recently made into the movie Carol. It took awhile, but love prevailed! I'd like to see poly novels written like this. I'd like to see examples of poly fiction that illustrate the potential power of narrative to tell compelling stories of love up against a mononormative culture.

The power of narrative

I am very interested in the power of narrative and how it shapes our enculturation and our perception of the possible. One example of a novel that changed the way people perceive reality, and the possible, was Upton Sinclair's 1906 novel The Jungle.

The poly memoirs that have been coming out are great; but the ability of an author to build a story in a memoir is constrained by details of history. Details can get in the way of the greater narrative. Plus, some of the recent memoirs are a little focused on "how to".

So far, Dr. Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli is the only person I know who has published a good real contemporary poly novel with her unique Young Adult book, Love You Two. The field seems to me to be open (pun intended) for some more "good" poly novels.

A poly fiction genre?

We recently saw the great movie Carol, based on the 1952 romance novel by Patricia Highsmith, first published under the pseudonym "Claire Morgan". The Price of Salt was a mold breaker in the genres lesbian literature and gay fiction.

I know there are some great poly memoirs out like The Game Changer by Franklin Veaux and Gracie X's great book Wide Open. There is even the fantastic young adult book Love You Two by Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli.

Is there a genre of Poly Literature, or Poly Fiction? Have there been any good intentional romance books written about relationships that work that are outside the mononormative mold?

I know there are fantastic books in the Sci-Fi/Fantasy mold like Heinlen's classic Stranger in a Strange Land.

I am especially interested in contemporary adult fiction books featuring healthy and working polyamorous relationships. Any suggestions?

Memories are not what used to be

I have been wondering a lot about memories of relationships & how they're affected by outcomes. That's one of the reasons I love journaling. Journaling not only gives you the ability to go back and check on how you describe an event when it is fresh but also to see how my recollection of a time of my like evolves based on where I am when I am doing the writing. I have come to the conclusion that memories are much more about where my head is at when I am doing the remembering than where it was when I was living what I am remembering.

We have just started watching the Showtime series The Affair. One of the important parts of the show's narrative is the concept of memory bias. It makes me wonder about my own memories. Much of this has been written about in this blog.

I have heard most couples who divorce have very different memories of the marriage that ended. I have seen how a couples memory of the first stages of their marriage changes from when they are happily married to later when they are bitter divorcees. All I can do is characterize things as I remember them, tell the truth as I remember it and acknowledge there is a weakness in that.