Is Monogamy vs Polyamory a binary?

People talk about Monogamy vs. Polyamory/Consensual Nonmonogamy like it's a binary, like you're one or the other. I reject that notion.

Any binary requires two definite observable states, like on or off. That's the metrics. But with non-monogamy vs. monogamy, what are your metrics? Is it sex? Is it love? There are a lot of people who are asexual, don't have sex, but consider themselves polyamorous. Asexual polyamory is a real thing. There are a lot of swingers, folks in "the lifestyle," for whom it's all about sex and not developing feelings.

Of course, you have to define "monogamy." Some folks define monogamy so strictly that friends of the attracted to gender are forbidden. Other folks consider themselves monogamous if they don't have sex with people other than their partner, but are okay with kissing, cuddling, etc. And then, you have to define sex...

Monoamorous is a word and is aptly used in the realm of feelings, Monoamorous vs. Polyamorous. I would add in the realm of sex, Monosexual vs. Polysexual? Can a person be Polyamorous and Monosexual? I believe so but it's seldom talked about, except maybe as an "emotional affair." But, is it an affair if it's consensual? 

Compersion and Jealousy

When I heard GracieX talk about compersion last Saturday I thought about my first wife Cindy and my own experiences with compersion decades ago. I thought about the first time I saw Cindy have sex with another man.

Besides finding it erotic I felt honored to be able to experience her enjoying sex from an angle I never could have, had it been she and I performing the act. I felt joy for Cindy and her sex partner and felt joy for myself for having that moment. To me that was a big deal. When I say honor I mean, our sexuality is a real human experience - like seeing a baby be born or seeing a person die. Human experiences can be joyous or tragic, but they are human experiences. To me, human experiences are something to be honored.

Jealousy for me has always been something else, totally something else. Jealousy for me has been this mysterious stew of emotions that usually defy logic and for me have root in my wounded child. It's not one thing or the other. It's not a spectrum for me with jealousy at one end and compersion at the other.

Meeting Swingers in 1978

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The seeds of shame

Cindy had adopted a religion in her teens that was conservative, fundamental and judgmental. At the same time she was a very vibrant, sexy and sexual young woman. Cindy worked as a nude model. She would go on dates with other men. She also began to realize her sexual attraction to other women.

A few times we would literally invite friends over and maybe have an orgy on Saturday night and get up and go to church Sunday morning as a family. We sowed our wild oats on Saturday night and Sunday morning prayed for a crop failure.

I am not saying there is anything wrong with this. I do know that she started leading more and more of a double life and feeling guilt and self-shaming herself over this duality about now. At this time I was okay with the double life we were leading as long as I could have my wife Cindy and Mary too.

I went to church with Cindy because that was what she wanted to do. This was late in the 1970s. We were too young to know how needless and destructive shame could ultimately prove to be.

No other word for it

In the mid-70s we had gone full swap, unlimited pass with no real negotiations of boundaries. Finding other partners was easier for Cindy than for me and she did find others. My focus was on Mary who I was falling in love with.

Our only reference point was the standard narrative. To me that narrative implied that to fall in love with Mary I had to stop loving Cindy. But, that’s not how it played out. Still filled with new relationship energy, I was all-gaga over Mary. But, I still loved Cindy. Cindy had other partners but made no outside emotional connections that she shared with me.

I do not want to make this sound easy, it wasn’t. Not only did we not communicate well, we lacked the words to communicate with. So, you can imagine the drama.

We had a close group of friends. We had group parties. These were not hard-core lifestylers who played safe, had rules and boundaries. Cindy would find someone to play with and I always found Mary. I loved seeing Cindy play and I enjoyed playing with Mary, sometimes just us, sometimes with Cindy (FMF) and sometimes I played with Mary and Lenny (MFM).

It was all great fun, but an emotional roller coaster. Lacking nothing else to call it we called it “weirdness.” It all felt weird, fun and sexy but weird. Cindy was moving towards swinging. I was moving towards polyamory. I wish I had known then what I know now. Weirdness was a bad choice for a name. It was followed by another term we did not understand, shaming...