Is Monogamy vs Polyamory a binary?

People talk about Monogamy vs. Polyamory/Consensual Nonmonogamy like it's a binary, like you're one or the other. I reject that notion.

Any binary requires two definite observable states, like on or off. That's the metrics. But with non-monogamy vs. monogamy, what are your metrics? Is it sex? Is it love? There are a lot of people who are asexual, don't have sex, but consider themselves polyamorous. Asexual polyamory is a real thing. There are a lot of swingers, folks in "the lifestyle," for whom it's all about sex and not developing feelings.

Of course, you have to define "monogamy." Some folks define monogamy so strictly that friends of the attracted to gender are forbidden. Other folks consider themselves monogamous if they don't have sex with people other than their partner, but are okay with kissing, cuddling, etc. And then, you have to define sex...

Monoamorous is a word and is aptly used in the realm of feelings, Monoamorous vs. Polyamorous. I would add in the realm of sex, Monosexual vs. Polysexual? Can a person be Polyamorous and Monosexual? I believe so but it's seldom talked about, except maybe as an "emotional affair." But, is it an affair if it's consensual? 

Consensual Monogamy (CM)

I think we need to talk more about "CM." By that I mean Consensual Monogamy. CM is about enthusiastic consent first and another "C", communication. CM is about both parties agreeing on their definition of monogamy for their relationship and their boundaries. CM is a relationship agreement. CM requires a "hell yes!" CM is not just being the cultural normative default blah blah. CM is intentional, communicated and agreed to. It is lived energetically. For me when people talk about CNM, I want to hear monogamy spoken about the same way, enthusiastic consent first! 

"Relationships" and friendships

 Is sex the sorting hat that separates "Relationships" and friendships?

I used to ponder this a lot. Then, decades ago, I remembered I had some friends who decided for themselves to not have sex until they got married. I wondered to myself, what if one of them had gotten in a car accident on the way to their wedding, and had died? Would that have meant they had never been “more than” friends? Thankfully that didn’t happen. They married and procreated and 45+ years later they are still married, have kids and grandkids.

I don’t know (and don’t want to know) if they still have sex. That is none of my business. But, what if they don’t? Are sexless older couples no longer partners? Are sexless older couples “just friends”?

I leave it to people to decide who they are and label their own feelings and relationships in a way that resonates with them. If a person tells me they are asexual, polyamorous and have multiple partners then I accept and celebrate that. What people physically do, or don’t do, in their intimate relationships is none of my business.

Personally, for me, sex is not a relationship sorting hat. Relationships are like gender. People are free to choose their own labels. I have had many wonderful platonic partners in my life. And, I have had many wonderful non-platonic partners in my life. We know/knew who and what we are/were and don’t/didn't need others to define us.

This train of thought makes me think of a throuple I know. This family is an asexual person and two sexual people. They are living and loving together and raising their child together. They are a family, share expenses, parent and are a loving polyamorous throuple family. One of them is a person who does not experience sexual attraction. So what?

I am going to finish with this link: https://www.asexuality.org/

Multiamory Podcast About OPEN

Please checkout this Multiamory podcast with William Winters on a subject dear to our hearts. It's about OPEN, which stands for the organization for polyamory and ethical non-monogamy. This talks a lot about the fight for civil rights for members of our polyamory and ethical non-monogamy community.

Lovers and Partners

 

I pulled The Lovers today. I find this card interesting. In my life I have had long term romantic relationships that were not sexual and I have had sexual relationships that were not romantic. I don’t define the term lover or the term partner to mean person I am having sex with. For me long term close friends are life partners too. So, I am invoking the Two of Cups to cherish sweet intimate loving relationships between people, no matter what label or degree of physical intimacy. -- As always when I speak of life, love and Tarot I speak only for myself. This reading is part of my Divination/Manifestation Practice.

The Lovers is from The Modern Love Tarot, by Ethony

The 2 of Cups is from The Light Seers Tarot, by Chris-Anne