During the time of my poly relationships with both my inamorata Mary and my wife Cindy, and their relationships with other lovers, and other significant others, we all had kids. It was both complicated, and simplified, by the fact that Mary had once been married to Cindy’s brother Lenny.
It simplified things in that when Mary’s kids were really little their uncle coming to visit and spending a few days with their mom was no big deal to them. For our kids having their aunt Mary come visit and sleep with mom and dad was no different than having one of their little friends come visit and sleep over in their room.
Of course that started changing, as they got older.
The fact that Mary and Lenny were now divorced did make Mary and our relationship feel a bit less taboo. Even though Mary was not in anyway related to either Cindy or I biologically, when she was married to Lenny the relationship still felt a bit incestuous.
Our kids and Mary’s kids were, and are, cousins. That is a huge part of why this blog is anonymous. I love Mary deeply and profoundly and always will. I feel the same way about Cindy. That did not end when Cindy and Mary died.
Mary’s kids do not need to know both their uncle and aunt were their mother’s lovers or that their parents had an open marriage over 30 years ago when they were little. Neither do mine. Neither do the grandkids.
Showing posts with label Lenny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lenny. Show all posts
Friday, October 10, 2014
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Their Divorce
When a couple in an open marriage splits up the blame is sometimes put on the open marriage. I don’t know how much, if any, of Mary and Lenny’s marriage falling apart had anything to do with their open marriage and having other lovers. I don’t think it was a major factor, and I am not saying that because Mary was a paramour.
From what Mary told me the reason of the split was because of Lenny’s unwillingness to get and hold a decent job. Not only was I her friend and occasional lover, I was kind of her marriage counsel ear. She was the only one working in her marriage that also had two kids. Their split up was amicable and they remained good friends until Mary’s death.
Decades later, Lenny and I helped Mary’s husband put on her funeral.
From what Mary told me the reason of the split was because of Lenny’s unwillingness to get and hold a decent job. Not only was I her friend and occasional lover, I was kind of her marriage counsel ear. She was the only one working in her marriage that also had two kids. Their split up was amicable and they remained good friends until Mary’s death.
Decades later, Lenny and I helped Mary’s husband put on her funeral.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Memories and pain
Memories are fickle and non linear. Memories are sometimes as much a statement of who we are now as of who we were then. We remember with the knowledge of how things turn out, events that occurred when their outcomes were unknown. Memories are not always balanced or fair.
As I write about these remembrances there is surely much I have forgotten. I was young and I cannot ask either Cindy or Mary about their memories, since they are gone. They are my two angels in heaven now and someday I hope to join up with them again along with my current wife. I am sure I will have a lot of questions to ask and some apologies to make.
It wasn't easy. I remember fights and jealousies involving Cindy and I and between Mary and her husband Lenny. Like mothers who forget the pains of labor as they remember their baby's smile. There may be a lot more that I have forgotten because it hurts to remember.
Not remembering the pain does not mean it didn't happen. I don't remember ever arguing with Mary that does not mean it didn't happen. I do remember pain and a lot of drama in general. I remember there were tears. I don't want anybody to think this was easy and painless. The best parts hurt less to remember. Sometimes, we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.
As I write about these remembrances there is surely much I have forgotten. I was young and I cannot ask either Cindy or Mary about their memories, since they are gone. They are my two angels in heaven now and someday I hope to join up with them again along with my current wife. I am sure I will have a lot of questions to ask and some apologies to make.
It wasn't easy. I remember fights and jealousies involving Cindy and I and between Mary and her husband Lenny. Like mothers who forget the pains of labor as they remember their baby's smile. There may be a lot more that I have forgotten because it hurts to remember.
Not remembering the pain does not mean it didn't happen. I don't remember ever arguing with Mary that does not mean it didn't happen. I do remember pain and a lot of drama in general. I remember there were tears. I don't want anybody to think this was easy and painless. The best parts hurt less to remember. Sometimes, we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Mary and I
Mary and I spent a lot of time together in 1978. I drove her to work every morning. At the time Lenny and Mary were married. I would get up very early in the morning, drive to their house, pick Mary up and drive to her job.
One morning I over slept. I heard her say in my head, “Sam, are you awake?” I woke up and looked at the clock. Mary later said she was thinking that at just that moment. We were connected that way. I used to tell her we had that thing that’s called Radar Love. She could think about me, and I could hear her thoughts. I woke up in time to get to her and get her to work on time.
Mary and I went on both day and multi-day trips together. Our spouses watched the kids. Our favorite place to go for a getaway was the coast. On one such trip we barely escaped a head on collision with an oncoming car. I pulled over to the side of the road. We hugged each other. We cried, then we ended up laughing about how hard it would have been for our spouses to explain our deaths together to family and friends.
Since our spouses were siblings, Mary and I were also each other’s marriage counselors. Mary was both my wife Cindy and my best friend as well as our lover. Mary was able to give Cindy and I insights on each other without breaking any confidences.
Mary said the reason Cindy and I struggled was because we were both so much alike. Mary said Cindy and I had the same strengths and same weaknesses. I truly think this insight and the evolving polyamorous triad dynamic saved my marriage with Cindy and held our family together.
I told Mary many times that I had fallen in love with her. She told me that she was not in love with me. It was not until ten years later, after Cindy died in a car accident, that Mary told me she really had fallen in love with me. Mary said she felt she could not tell me she loved me back then because Cindy was both her sister-in-law and her best friend.
Mary did not want to chance breaking up Cindy and my marriage. Maybe it would have. I will never know what difference, if any, that would have made.
One morning I over slept. I heard her say in my head, “Sam, are you awake?” I woke up and looked at the clock. Mary later said she was thinking that at just that moment. We were connected that way. I used to tell her we had that thing that’s called Radar Love. She could think about me, and I could hear her thoughts. I woke up in time to get to her and get her to work on time.
Mary and I went on both day and multi-day trips together. Our spouses watched the kids. Our favorite place to go for a getaway was the coast. On one such trip we barely escaped a head on collision with an oncoming car. I pulled over to the side of the road. We hugged each other. We cried, then we ended up laughing about how hard it would have been for our spouses to explain our deaths together to family and friends.
Since our spouses were siblings, Mary and I were also each other’s marriage counselors. Mary was both my wife Cindy and my best friend as well as our lover. Mary was able to give Cindy and I insights on each other without breaking any confidences.
Mary said the reason Cindy and I struggled was because we were both so much alike. Mary said Cindy and I had the same strengths and same weaknesses. I truly think this insight and the evolving polyamorous triad dynamic saved my marriage with Cindy and held our family together.
I told Mary many times that I had fallen in love with her. She told me that she was not in love with me. It was not until ten years later, after Cindy died in a car accident, that Mary told me she really had fallen in love with me. Mary said she felt she could not tell me she loved me back then because Cindy was both her sister-in-law and her best friend.
Mary did not want to chance breaking up Cindy and my marriage. Maybe it would have. I will never know what difference, if any, that would have made.
Friday, September 26, 2014
No other word for it
In the mid-70s we had gone full swap, unlimited pass with no real negotiations of boundaries. Finding other partners was easier for Cindy than for me and she did find others. My focus was on Mary who I was falling in love with.
Our only reference point was the standard narrative. To me that narrative implied that to fall in love with Mary I had to stop loving Cindy. But, that’s not how it played out. Still filled with new relationship energy, I was all-gaga over Mary. But, I still loved Cindy. Cindy had other partners but made no outside emotional connections that she shared with me.
I do not want to make this sound easy, it wasn’t. Not only did we not communicate well, we lacked the words to communicate with. So, you can imagine the drama.
We had a close group of friends. We had group parties. These were not hard-core lifestylers who played safe, had rules and boundaries. Cindy would find someone to play with and I always found Mary. I loved seeing Cindy play and I enjoyed playing with Mary, sometimes just us, sometimes with Cindy (FMF) and sometimes I played with Mary and Lenny (MFM).
It was all great fun, but an emotional roller coaster. Lacking nothing else to call it we called it “weirdness.” It all felt weird, fun and sexy but weird. Cindy was moving towards swinging. I was moving towards polyamory. I wish I had known then what I know now. Weirdness was a bad choice for a name. It was followed by another term we did not understand, shaming...
Our only reference point was the standard narrative. To me that narrative implied that to fall in love with Mary I had to stop loving Cindy. But, that’s not how it played out. Still filled with new relationship energy, I was all-gaga over Mary. But, I still loved Cindy. Cindy had other partners but made no outside emotional connections that she shared with me.
I do not want to make this sound easy, it wasn’t. Not only did we not communicate well, we lacked the words to communicate with. So, you can imagine the drama.
We had a close group of friends. We had group parties. These were not hard-core lifestylers who played safe, had rules and boundaries. Cindy would find someone to play with and I always found Mary. I loved seeing Cindy play and I enjoyed playing with Mary, sometimes just us, sometimes with Cindy (FMF) and sometimes I played with Mary and Lenny (MFM).
It was all great fun, but an emotional roller coaster. Lacking nothing else to call it we called it “weirdness.” It all felt weird, fun and sexy but weird. Cindy was moving towards swinging. I was moving towards polyamory. I wish I had known then what I know now. Weirdness was a bad choice for a name. It was followed by another term we did not understand, shaming...
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Along came Mary
As Cindy and I were processing the feelings over Cindy’s affair with my brother we had one couple we confided in. That couple was Cindy’s brother Lenny and his wife Mary. Lenny and Mary were in an open marriage already. We discussed the feelings of regret, jealousy over the affair and how that contrasted with opening up our own marriage.
This was a totally home grown idea. For us the idea of having an open marriage was new but we had no real resources, no Internet and nowhere to turn for a role model or to join any kind of on-line group. This was the 1970s, remember. We were young and living in a conservative town. Terms like compersion, polyamory, the lifestyle; etc. did not exist for us. Where were the rules? Where was Reddit when we needed it?
Lenny and Mary listened, we talked, and they talked. They talked about how they rolled their own open marriage. It was sexy. With the help of some rum, some weed and I have long forgot what else, it became clear that some chemistry was developing between Mary, myself and; surprise, Cindy and Mary. Mary was the hinge.
For some reason, I cannot quite remember, I went in to take a shower. As I was soaping up my body, the door opened. It was Mary. Mary stepped into the shower with me. We started kissing. I will never forget how her skin felt, how her body tasted, how it felt to hold her.
Our good friend became our lover that night. She also entered my heart and never left it. She is still there now.
This was a totally home grown idea. For us the idea of having an open marriage was new but we had no real resources, no Internet and nowhere to turn for a role model or to join any kind of on-line group. This was the 1970s, remember. We were young and living in a conservative town. Terms like compersion, polyamory, the lifestyle; etc. did not exist for us. Where were the rules? Where was Reddit when we needed it?
Lenny and Mary listened, we talked, and they talked. They talked about how they rolled their own open marriage. It was sexy. With the help of some rum, some weed and I have long forgot what else, it became clear that some chemistry was developing between Mary, myself and; surprise, Cindy and Mary. Mary was the hinge.
For some reason, I cannot quite remember, I went in to take a shower. As I was soaping up my body, the door opened. It was Mary. Mary stepped into the shower with me. We started kissing. I will never forget how her skin felt, how her body tasted, how it felt to hold her.
Our good friend became our lover that night. She also entered my heart and never left it. She is still there now.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
We got married
Cindy and I decided early on to get married. Like, within the first month we were together. We waited five months before we got married, but only because she wasn't 18 yet. We also decided we were not going to be pregnant when we got married. Yes, we took some chances before we got on the birth control. But, I went with her to Planned Parenthood. She was 17 when she went on the pill. Thank God for Planned Parenthood!
I did not have a job. That did not matter at the time. We were young and stupid. When I got my unemployment checks we would get a motel room and screwed like rabbits as she cut classes. When I did not have money we did it in her bedroom at her parent's house when her parents were at work or at Lenny and Mary's place or in the car. Cindy's mom was horrified about the whole thing (which only encouraged Cindy.) We were obviously very mature and ready for marriage and parenthood.
Cindy's mom was not quite up to speed on our relationship. She let Cindy go away with me for a weekend on the coast. I think she thought Cindy and I had not yet had sex and that I would demand sex over that weekend and that would drive Cindy away from me. When that did not happen, we had already been screwing like weasels for weeks, and her 17 year-old daughter came back happy, happy as a clam, Cindy's mom tried to actively prevent Cindy and I from seeing each other.
She forbade Cindy from seeing me. That did not work. Nothing worked from Cindy's mom's perspective.
One week day Cindy and I moved Cindy's furniture out of her bedroom, from her parents' home, and into a room in her brother Lenny and his wife Mary's cottage. We did this behind Cindy's parents' back while they were at work, in the summer of 1975. It was cheaper than motel rooms and Lenny and Mary were happy to get the rent I paid.
I did not have a job. That did not matter at the time. We were young and stupid. When I got my unemployment checks we would get a motel room and screwed like rabbits as she cut classes. When I did not have money we did it in her bedroom at her parent's house when her parents were at work or at Lenny and Mary's place or in the car. Cindy's mom was horrified about the whole thing (which only encouraged Cindy.) We were obviously very mature and ready for marriage and parenthood.
Cindy's mom was not quite up to speed on our relationship. She let Cindy go away with me for a weekend on the coast. I think she thought Cindy and I had not yet had sex and that I would demand sex over that weekend and that would drive Cindy away from me. When that did not happen, we had already been screwing like weasels for weeks, and her 17 year-old daughter came back happy, happy as a clam, Cindy's mom tried to actively prevent Cindy and I from seeing each other.
She forbade Cindy from seeing me. That did not work. Nothing worked from Cindy's mom's perspective.
One week day Cindy and I moved Cindy's furniture out of her bedroom, from her parents' home, and into a room in her brother Lenny and his wife Mary's cottage. We did this behind Cindy's parents' back while they were at work, in the summer of 1975. It was cheaper than motel rooms and Lenny and Mary were happy to get the rent I paid.
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