It is over

We decided not to put a label on it, since neither friends, nor partners seemed to fit. We were not sexual but it was intimate in its own way. I love her and she said she loved me. She is amazing, unlike anyone I have ever known. So unlike is she, that I seemed to have a talent for unintentionally stepping on landmines, pushing her buttons and making her angry. She's sensitive. There's nothing wrong with sensitive. But, it became awkward. Finally she said, enough. I guess we finally found a label that fits. It is over.

First date set

Deepak Chopra says, "Everyone is acting from his own level of consciousness." Everyone is in their own universe. One of my favorite parts of getting to know a new person is contemplating how they think. By learning about them you get a window into a new universe, their unique universe. To me that is the best part. Visiting that new universe.

When you first get to know someone, everything is information. We set a lunch date. When Anna asked where I wanted to meet for lunch I said, "I want you to pick." She said why? I said, "because where you would choose tells me a lot about you. It's data and I am not going to say more because it will skew the results."

She said, "I like that." She picked a crepe place that served wine, found a time that worked around her busy schedule. We were on, we had a date. I was like a kid waiting for Christmas. I know it was just lunch, but it felt like more and it was. I was going to visit Anna's universe...

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Timing is Everything

When I look back on falling for Anna I realize, I fell pretty hard. Generally, I know better. The younger version of me would have held back more, well maybe. This is Anna after all...

A lot of it was, and is, that she is freaking amazing! That spiritual connection thing we had, too, was pretty amazing. Since my current relationships were long established and full of old relationship energy (ORE) PRE/NRE was something that I hadn't experienced for a long, long time. Of course, she seemed really into me at the time too, that helped.

But, there was one more thing...timing.

Not long ago I turned 60. Those of you who are over 30, remember when you turned 30?

Sixty is 30 x 2 and I am not just talking about math. There is this little voice that goes off with aging that says, "maybe this will never happen again. Maybe I need to feel the crap out of this. Maybe I will never, ever, have anything this astounding, in this way, happen in my life again."

I didn't remember hearing that voice directly at that time. I don't think it was driving me. But, I can't deny it might have been there...

There was another timing issue that turned out to be much bigger than I first imagined. I had my kids very young. So I am at the grandkids stage. She had her kids later in life. Though she is not a whole super lot younger than me, she's younger and at a much different place in life. I have time and she is super busy and well...

Timing is everything.

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PRE before NRE

According to wikipedia:

Schrödinger's cat is a thought experiment, sometimes described as a paradox, devised by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger in 1935... The scenario presents a cat that may be simultaneously both alive and dead, a state known as a quantum superposition, as a result of being linked to a random subatomic event that may or may not occur.

A new crush is a lot like Schrödinger's cat. Basically this paradox says that until something is observed, it's state cannot be expressed as being one thing or another. It's a super power in that in this superposition it's not one possibility but the crush is, for a short time, all possibilities.

When you have such a new crush there is no way of knowing if the object of your new crush is going to be a new lover, a new friend or someone you will eventually block on Facebook.

To me this new potential relationship has an energy all its own. This energy derives from the mystery of not knowing what it is going to be. This is different from NRE (new relationship energy) and I am going to refer to it as PRE (pre-relationship energy). I prefer using the term PRE over NRE in this case, because technically at this stage you don't even know if you ever will be in a relationship together, much less what that relationship will be. The box has not yet been opened...

After meeting Anna I was hit with more PRE (or NRE if you prefer) than I imagined would be possible at 60. The flirting was intense between us. The bubble dreams were spewing like crazy. In preparation of what might be, I got tested. (Frankly, I needed to do that anyway and was already thinking about it.)

My friend Jim said I was like this whole different and ungrounded version of Sam. Buckle up Jim! It was going to be a hell of a fun ride, no matter how it might end.

My wife Sophia supported my crush, but neither of us had ever had a crush on someone else this intense in the decades we've been together. Sophia became hesitant and wary of what was going on, but she was wise to let it play out.

My relationships with my wife (and another partner Dana) have a totally different kind of energy. They both have decades of history. They have old relationship energy (ORE) and ORE has its own kind of super power coolness!

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Primary Numbers

In my life I have known only a few people who, when I met them, they were so unique I truly was surprised. I am saying this as a 60 year-old who has met a lot of people. These unique people, I can't compare them to anybody else. I think the older you get, the more people you have met, the rarer this is. It's like the distribution of primary numbers. At my age they are like large primary numbers, very rare & notable when you find them.

Anna is one of those people. Meeting her was like living the words of the Lady Gaga Song, "I've never seen one like that before... You amaze me!" I fell into deep crush almost immediately, an experience totally unexpected. I am not looking to "meet" anyone. I wasn't looking to do anything that night but meet an author I admired.

Instead I was hit by lightening and the chemistry was mutual. I got a copy of her book and she made sure I had her business card. I was crushing over her body, her mind, her soul, over the very fact that she existed on my planet.

Did I mention Anna is tall? Years ago I dated a woman, Kelly, the tallest woman I had dated up to that point. Kelly is considered tall for a woman. Kelly is four inches shorter than Anna. Kelly's husband was not much taller than Kelly. Kelly said she liked going out with me and being able to have her hair up and wear heals. Kelly did not feel she could do that with her husband.

Anna looks me straight in the eye. Anna rocks being tall! She wears heals, big hair and tells the world you will take me as I am! Anna is a warrior! This warrior, I could immediately see, is also tender. This warrior has a wonderful heart. I love that in a woman. This warrior is a sweetie.

I left mesmerized.  Her book, an instant talisman, was in my hand. Let the online flirting begin, and did it ever, did it ever!

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In that singularity

Looking back on a few months ago I have come to the appreciation that the first six months of this year have been profound.

Meeting Anna changed me. I am still trying to understand it. She blew into my life like a hurricane (and is now a gentle zephyr.) She blew away a lot of stuff that needed to be cleared out. Now I am trying to figure out what to do with what I can now clearly see. But, I am getting ahead of myself...

When I was in the same room with her, at the book reading, I knew I was in the presence of an oracle. This amazing woman had a soul my soul was hungering for. I knew she knew it too. I knew she felt it too.

We were meant to connect. At this point the nature of that connection would be, was unclear. This was the quantum stage where everything that could be both was and was not. After a long conversation about her book, polyamory and life there was a ritual.

I am not going to explain it, just understand that it was so. This woman and I looked straight into each others eyes and I said to her, "thou art Goddess..."

In that singularity. I absolutely meant it. In that moment, I could not mean anything more.

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Bubble Dreams

And along came Anna...

I like the term "bubble dreams" to refer to fantasies and/or dreams you have about someone you have a major crush on, but where a potential relationship has not yet defined itself. This is during that smitten period, before NRE, when you have no idea if the bubble dreams even possibly can become real, or if they will just pop and go away.

It was not planned, but it was foreseen. I can't explain it better than that. For about six months before I met Anna I had dreams, dreams of a person, dreams of a place - that made no sense. This is going to sound woo-woo; but somehow I knew she was coming.

I had read her book and thought it was wonderful. Her book was a love story. But, this is not about her book, it's about Anna. This amazing author was at a local book reading and I had to go. I had no idea at the time she was the woman I had the premonitions about, until I was in the same room with her. I was instantly smitten.

I had no idea she was going to change my life. They say people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I am still hoping for a lifetime. I am hoping that's not the last bubble dream.

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