Reflections on the comet

And, the comet continues her journey through the cosmos, disappearing into the abyss.

As I sit back on my planet I ponder the nature of comets:

Comets are comets because — because they are comets.

Comets have to be comets. It's their essential truth. To love a comet you have to accept this. Loving a comet means occasional joy, amazing joy even, followed by the inevitable broken heart that you know is going to come because — comets have to be comets.

It's all good

Being poly, being alone, being mono, being straight, being queer, being trans, being cis, being old, being young, being fat, being, being, being... whatever.

It's all good. Be you!

Emotional Polyamory

In the universe of consensual non-monogamy; that polyamory is based on romantic connection is evidenced by the fact asexual polyamory is a real thing. Emotional polyamory is a real thing too, in my opinion. I believe emotional polyamory is the consensual, lovely and loving (non-sexual) equivalent of an emotional affair. Love is love.

Love Is

Every person I love is different and I am a little different with every one of them. We are different each time we're together. Love changes, evolves, is new, is old and always is love. Love is a shapeshifter and yet — love is love.

ORE vs. NRE

Old Relationship Energy (ORE) contrasts with New Relationship Energy (NRE). Both are awesome.
NRE is an amazing force, like a skyrocket, it blasts in the the sky, bright, beautiful, brilliant, so compelling and then — fades.
ORE is much more subtle than that. ORE cares for you when you are sick, maybe bares and/or raises your children, it holds your hand when you are scared and maybe when you grow old and maybe even when you die.
NRE brings bodies together. ORE binds souls together.
NRE makes for great stories. ORE writes the story of your life.

Marriage is

Marriage is (in my opinion) a state recognised contractual arrangement that means exactly what the parties in the marriage decide it means.

This Book

This book is not going to write itself. I gotta shit or get off the pot.

Paths

When you show somebody your spiritual path you are inviting (and consenting) to them taking it. That means they may still be there long after your relationship ends.

Loving like this

When I think of the people I love so dearly I also think of how so many people don't understand loving like this and I think, they have no idea what they are missing. I think the world would be a better place if most people loved like this and if loving like this was considered good and normal.

About Partners

Why is the label "partner" as applied to relationships so loaded? When people hear the word partner, as in they're a partner of mine, it's often assumed this is a sexual and/or romantic relationship. But, isn't that privileging sexual and/or romantic relationships? Where does that leave asexual and/or aromantic people? They don't get to have partners?

Isn't it enough that an awesome person is someone who is special enough to be a life partner? To me a partner is somebody I am sharing this amazing, beautiful adventure called life with. Platonic Partner is an expression that's gaining traction. But, why? Why, if I say someone is a partner then other people assume I am saying we are having sex, unless I specifically say, "no we are not" by adding the word platonic.

Ultimately whether or not I'm having sex with this person who is a fellow traveler on this journey we call life is nobody's business but this person and I (and possibly our our other partners.) Love and/or sex does not owe anyone else an explanation.

Sigh, but, I just say friends. It's just easier. Sometimes though, that doesn't feel like it's enough. I guess it's enough, though. It's enough if we know how special we are to each other.

That's all that matters I guess.

Platonic Partnership

"This isn’t just a friendship, this is a partnership."

-  Sarah Burke

I'm Poly

"I'm poly, but not because I'm looking for multiplicity, or indeed, even anyone, but because I do not limit myself.

I'm just feeling the bubbling joyous aliveness of feeling supported... I see you, I admire you, I love you, I respect the work it takes to be you, I support you, I thank you."

- Thomas Seaman‎

An orientation…

When someone tells you something is an orientation they’re telling you something fundamental. They’re telling you something is:

1. Innate — It’s a feature. What they are telling you is this thing is as much a part of them as their eye color.

1. Lifelong — Orientations are unplanned. They just are, for an individual, like gravity. Orientations can change, people change, but most often do not change orientations.  People  evolve and there is fluidity, but don’t expect evolution or fluidity. The perception of change is most often people going through a process (or processes) of self discovery.

1. Unchangeable — Lot’s of people have tried to change orientations. Through will people can change behavior, but not their nature. People can do what they will but cannot will what they will. When fluidity occasionally happens, it is not an act of will.

Orientations are not (just) about what people do, it's about who they are. When people tell you who they are, listen.

Imagine they’re like Popeye saying, “I am what I am, and that's all that I am.”

About Film

A film image is a thing, a print is a thing, a digital image is data about a thing.

Film has a very different way of reacting to light. Like all analog mediums, film has a very different aesthetic than digital imagery. You can compare it to being like oil painting, or water colors, compared to digital art.

Your basic image in digital photography is dependent on the camera sensor and subsequent digital post processing in tools like Photoshop. Analog film is different, each individual film has its own palette and each developer interprets that palette differently.

Because they are things, negatives and slides (especially black and white) can be forgotten and sit in a box for 50 to 100 years untended and be rediscovered by subsequent generations.

Digital images need to be tended on an ongoing basis to not be lost to format and medium changes. A floppy disk of pictures from the 1970s is dubious. The social media platforms can go the way of MySpace. A box of negatives I found that my dad shot 60+ years ago, are still quite useable. A floppy disk from half that time ago would be quite dubious.

That said, it's all good. Take your pictures, do your art your way...

About being too...

I am not too anything. I am what I am that's alls that I am.

About Marriage

Marriage is whatever the people in the marriage say it is. There is no right or wrong way to do marriage. This is reflected by the fact that people write their own vows commonly these days. The marriage "contract" is between the parties in the contract. Done with consent, changing the nature of the marriage is renegotiating the contract not breaking any vows. You cannot break an agreement you agreed to change. How one marriage is structured; closed, open or sexless, has no bearing on other marriages and does not invalidate or otherwise reflect poorly on the people involved as long as it is done consensually. Other parties are entitled to have opinions on marriages that are not their own, but they are not relevant really and the people in a marriage need feel no shame regarding their relationship structure. Marriage is a contract that may be terminated by either party unilaterally, at any time, without fault. That is the nature of marriage and therefore not a source of relevant shaming.

How do you like brussel sprouts?

I had a love who's scent (and taste) was like brussel sprouts. Normally I don't like brussel sprouts, but she was worth making an exception for. I love my wife's scent and taste which is definitely not like brussel sprouts. The brussel sprouts lady? Every time I have brussel sprouts it brings back happy memories and that makes it easier to eat brussel sprouts.

The Sacred Journey to Yourself

The reason I didn't belong in a witchy book club is that so many of the books I find most witchy are not considered witchy books. These are books about personal empowerment which for me is what being a witch is all about.

Jenya Turner Beachy wrote The Secret Country of Yourself, which is a very witchy witchy book. Beachy writes, "We watch our own reactions to events and situations and, through rigorous self-examination, we become familiar with our own depths and heights. We know ourselves and claim ourselves, in all our Parts, glorious and ugly, atrocious and brilliant. And to claim ourselves, we must accept ourselves."

This is exactly the point of Cheryl Strayed and Robyn Davidson's books and something I got out of Gracie X's book as well. We discover ourselves through a sacred journey (that can take many forms) and we become the instruments of our own power.

And, in my opinion, that is the point of all the witchy tools, potions and spells. They reflect back to us in a tangible way all the power that is in us as us.

That power was always there, perhaps untapped. We look at one another and say, "Thou Art Gods." Being a witch provides a narrative for the truth of that.

Camel Trips

“The two important things that I did learn were that you are as powerful and strong as you allow yourself to be, and that the most difficult part of any endeavour is taking the first step, making the first decision.”
― Robyn Davidson, Tracks

Tracks, the book by Robyn Davidson, was the right book at the right time in my life. It prepared me for my own camel trip (seemingly impossible task) when suddenly my life changed in a flash. It also taught me about the power of manifestation, about how you can be as powerful as you allow yourself to be, something I now call "being the witch." I did not have those words for it then, but it was a lesson I had to learn damn fast!

Camel Trips is a term I use for doing that really hard thing, like a woman's solo trek across 1700 miles of Australian outback. It can also be hiking the PCT (Pacific Crest Trail), or loosing weight, or leaving a bad relationship, or suddenly becoming a working single parent, or changing your gender identification, sexual or relationship orientation, coming out of the closet or leaving a bad job or facing the devastating loss from your life of a dear love.

My inspiration was Robyn Davidson's book Tracks. Wild, the book by Cheryl Strayed, is another such story. I am sure there are many many more.

Camel Trips are important. I believe we should not shy away from them. They are the stories of our lives that define us. Camel Trips are the forge. We emerge from them changed from iron to steel. They teach us we are as strong as we allow ourselves to be. A bit of a warning though, Camel Trips never end, they merely change form.

About that village

I think it's good, important even, for parents to have friends and/or family of all genders. These can be friends, other partners, biological family and/or other people. I mean people who you have a logical family connection with.

Just 28 years ago today, it was the other women in my life who were there for my sons and I, after the car accident that killed Cindy and hospitalized two of the three children she and I had. I had one male friend who was a notable exception, his name was Don. My other male friends either were clueless, or perhaps horrified that they too could suddenly be in a position of raising their children in the event of the sudden death of their mother.

My own mother had died about five years before and Cindy's mother was only good at criticising. It was the other women in my life, that group of people, many of whom some thought it was inappropriate for a married person to have; they were my village. They worked hand-in-hand with my sister and my niece in helping do what had to be done when we had to make funeral arrangements while two children are in the hospital.

That I think is one of the strongest arguments for poly. It creates bonds. Your polycule can become your village. It's not about sex. It's about connection and commitment. You can do it with dear friends too. But, it needs to be done. Especially when there's kids involved.

I know what you’re thinking...

When someone says to me, “I know what you’re thinking” I think of a number between 1 and 1000. I then reply, “I am thinking of a number between 1 and 1000, what is that number?” I find that they do not know what I am thinking, even if they think they do. And, why would anybody want to?

Mister Sam...

We were there, ruminating the difficulties of our relationships, my marriage and her triad. "Poly sucks," I said. She agreed.

"I wish I could be straight, be genuinely monogamous," I said.

There was silence. Then, She touched the side of my face. She looked at me, her lovely blue eyes. "Mister Sam," she said. (I love it so much when she calls me that.) "Mister Sam," she said again. "Nobody can make you straight. Nobody, not even me." Then gently she kissed me.

And, everything was okay.

Rescue

I wish I could rescue all the people I love.

I can't though, not even her.

My heart bleeds because I love them so.

But, I cannot save them.

I cannot save her.

Only they can do that.

Only she can do that.

I love them so.

I love her so.

It's not what they need.

She has to love herself.

Two Rings

I wear two rings for a reason. The ring on my left hand is for my family, my wife and children. It has five stones, two sapphires for she and I and three diamonds for my children. The ring on my right hand, my dominant hand, is for me. It’s become a reminder that I am my own primary partner. I got it in Galway. It serves as a reminder of my Celtic heritage. It has a heart on it to remind me that I have the power and the right to love who and how I love and that love is really why we are here. It has two hands coming together holding that heart, my heart. I hold my own heart in my own hands. I own my heart and I own my power.

Rage as passion

I remember when I was a child, an abused child in the 1960s, hearing about brutality, rage and even homicide against family members being called "crimes of passion." My father was so "passionate" that my older brother, to this day, describes his favorite memories of our father as being when dad was gone.

I think for some people rage becomes so twisted with passion that it becomes the same thing for them. Rage becomes passion. Rage becomes their orgasm. For people raised with that, it becomes normal. It becomes home.

My beloved ghosts

When we fall in love with someone and they depart from our lives, we still love them. At least, I do. But, it changes. If the separation is through death or irreversible estrangement and they are gone in a final way, especially. All beings change over time. They change as we change. They change as our memories change. They change as our perspectives change. We love that part of our departed loved ones that's remained in us. We love the spirit of them that fused with our own spirit. Knowing that everything changes, if my own departed loved ones were to reappear in my life, would they be recognizable? When I look on my own beloved ghosts. It's like the part of them in me has become separate entities, still separate from me but separate from my actual loved ones too. My beloved ghosts are neither me nor my departed loved ones. My beloved ghosts that come to me now, and then again, and again, are my own and their own. I cherish them just as they are. I cherish them just as they have become.

An infinite number of buckets

I feel this essay mirrors biases and paranoias of our society. The essay seems to me to round loving someone other than our partner up to being infidelity. Why? Life is short. What's wrong with loving many people?
It defines "real" love and tells us what's "real" and what's "fake" love. Whatever doesn't fit the author's love definition is labeled fake. Maybe the author is speaking what's his truth, applied to him. But, what gives anybody the right to tell other people their feelings are fake? That's shaming! How people experience love can be very different from individual to individual.
Love is not a pizza. Love does not run out if you share it. There's not only two buckets, the friend bucket and the lover bucket. In my experience there's an infinite number of buckets. I love so many people, many sweetly, many dearly and my spouse is free to do the same.
I think love is what we should be embracing and not fleeing from. Our world needs more love, not less love.

Reflections on a Three of Swords Day

Yesterday was a Three of Swords day for me. Cards and days like that are a gift for me. Grief is an opportunity for love to shine through. Suffering is the first noble truth. We all have lost and we all suffer. Impermanence is the nature of everything. When I grieve I am also recognizing the sacredness, the beauty, the fortune of that which was and how lucky I am to have that as part of my life story. If what I am grieving was good, I smile over the memories and love. If it was bad I appreciate the lessons learned. I am changed for this grief. What I grieve is part of me. That's the awen. The heart bleeds and the heart beats still.

About Soulmates

In our culture we talk about soulmates like there is one, and only one, person who is meant to be your everything partner in life. But, what if we have many soulmates? What if our soulmates are our village? What if each soulmate has a unique place in our soulmate constellation and no one soulmate replaces or takes away from another? What if in our quest to find the one soulmate, we are missing out on our many soulmates? What if we are not seeing the forest in our quest for the tree?