I have no evidence to back this up, but I believe that if there was not the cultural stigma against non-monogamy that 75% of all marriages would be open emotionally and/or physically in our society. I think this is our natural emotional state and that our bodies are made not to be monogamous. In fact I believe that holding back love is a disease our culture has inflicted upon itself.
I feel so lucky that I and my spouse are free to romantically love other people.
"What use am I ... if I'm living against my own grain?” ― Carol Aird, in the novel The Price of Salt (Carol) by Patricia Highsmith
Showing posts with label Cheating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cheating. Show all posts
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Saturday, August 1, 2015
In defense of (some) cheaters
Around 1990 Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart coined the word "polyamory" but people were wired for non-monogamy long before that. Read Sex At Dawn…
Ethical non-monogamy is a relatively new concept as an acceptable lifestyle (among a minority of people.) I believe there are still a lot of people who do not yet know there are ethical alternatives to cheating and are torn between their non-monogamous nature and cultural expectations. I went through cycles of cheating and self loathing before my enlightenment.
Ethical non-monogamy is a relatively new concept as an acceptable lifestyle (among a minority of people.) I believe there are still a lot of people who do not yet know there are ethical alternatives to cheating and are torn between their non-monogamous nature and cultural expectations. I went through cycles of cheating and self loathing before my enlightenment.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Along came Mary
As Cindy and I were processing the feelings over Cindy’s affair with my brother we had one couple we confided in. That couple was Cindy’s brother Lenny and his wife Mary. Lenny and Mary were in an open marriage already. We discussed the feelings of regret, jealousy over the affair and how that contrasted with opening up our own marriage.
This was a totally home grown idea. For us the idea of having an open marriage was new but we had no real resources, no Internet and nowhere to turn for a role model or to join any kind of on-line group. This was the 1970s, remember. We were young and living in a conservative town. Terms like compersion, polyamory, the lifestyle; etc. did not exist for us. Where were the rules? Where was Reddit when we needed it?
Lenny and Mary listened, we talked, and they talked. They talked about how they rolled their own open marriage. It was sexy. With the help of some rum, some weed and I have long forgot what else, it became clear that some chemistry was developing between Mary, myself and; surprise, Cindy and Mary. Mary was the hinge.
For some reason, I cannot quite remember, I went in to take a shower. As I was soaping up my body, the door opened. It was Mary. Mary stepped into the shower with me. We started kissing. I will never forget how her skin felt, how her body tasted, how it felt to hold her.
Our good friend became our lover that night. She also entered my heart and never left it. She is still there now.
This was a totally home grown idea. For us the idea of having an open marriage was new but we had no real resources, no Internet and nowhere to turn for a role model or to join any kind of on-line group. This was the 1970s, remember. We were young and living in a conservative town. Terms like compersion, polyamory, the lifestyle; etc. did not exist for us. Where were the rules? Where was Reddit when we needed it?
Lenny and Mary listened, we talked, and they talked. They talked about how they rolled their own open marriage. It was sexy. With the help of some rum, some weed and I have long forgot what else, it became clear that some chemistry was developing between Mary, myself and; surprise, Cindy and Mary. Mary was the hinge.
For some reason, I cannot quite remember, I went in to take a shower. As I was soaping up my body, the door opened. It was Mary. Mary stepped into the shower with me. We started kissing. I will never forget how her skin felt, how her body tasted, how it felt to hold her.
Our good friend became our lover that night. She also entered my heart and never left it. She is still there now.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
I am sure mom knew
I think she knew, I am almost sure of it!
Because my mom suffered from severe depression at times, folks had a tendency to underestimate her. She had been in and out of institutions at times, she had problems but she wasn’t stupid.
My mom, like me, suffered from chronic insomnia. This was the mid-70's. I was working nights a lot then and my parent’s house had paper thin walls. We were staying at my parent’s house as Cindy cared for my dad and our baby.
Dad was a huge man, tall and over 300 pounds. Cindy was small compared to him. Dad's body slowly failed him and he got worse and worse and became like a huge baby himself. He was determined to die at home. My wife Cindy was the only one willing and able to take care of dad. She took on a huge job caring for him and our baby at the same time. It was a major sacrifice for a 19 year-old woman and she did it willingly out of love.
She was also a very sexual young woman and my 35 year-old brother Darryl must have been an adventurous escape for her from her days. Darryl flew across country twice to visit dad (and my wife, it turns out.) Sometimes I found out later, when I was home and asleep from working long hours, she would go to him in the guest room, and then come back, wake me up and we would make love. I did not even know.
But, I think mom knew and never ever told. I can imagine what it must have been like for mom, laying next to her husband who was dying, knowing she needed Cindy to take care of him and hearing that all going on. Still, like me, mom loved Cindy too and Cindy would be there for mom too, when mom died years later.
I am glad I forgave Cindy. If it hadn't been for what happened the story of Mary would have likely been quite different. Cindy was a good person and I still love her almost 40 years later.
Because my mom suffered from severe depression at times, folks had a tendency to underestimate her. She had been in and out of institutions at times, she had problems but she wasn’t stupid.
My mom, like me, suffered from chronic insomnia. This was the mid-70's. I was working nights a lot then and my parent’s house had paper thin walls. We were staying at my parent’s house as Cindy cared for my dad and our baby.
Dad was a huge man, tall and over 300 pounds. Cindy was small compared to him. Dad's body slowly failed him and he got worse and worse and became like a huge baby himself. He was determined to die at home. My wife Cindy was the only one willing and able to take care of dad. She took on a huge job caring for him and our baby at the same time. It was a major sacrifice for a 19 year-old woman and she did it willingly out of love.
She was also a very sexual young woman and my 35 year-old brother Darryl must have been an adventurous escape for her from her days. Darryl flew across country twice to visit dad (and my wife, it turns out.) Sometimes I found out later, when I was home and asleep from working long hours, she would go to him in the guest room, and then come back, wake me up and we would make love. I did not even know.
But, I think mom knew and never ever told. I can imagine what it must have been like for mom, laying next to her husband who was dying, knowing she needed Cindy to take care of him and hearing that all going on. Still, like me, mom loved Cindy too and Cindy would be there for mom too, when mom died years later.
I am glad I forgave Cindy. If it hadn't been for what happened the story of Mary would have likely been quite different. Cindy was a good person and I still love her almost 40 years later.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Darryl
I called Darryl and tried to have a heart-to-heart and, he lied. He said the affair had never happened. He said Cindy was making it up. He said she was crazy.
Looking back I can see that he was afraid. He had a wife and a family. The truth did not come out of his mouth until after Cindy was dead.
Of course when I told Cindy what Darryl said, she was even more livid than I was. I was angry with my brother and still processing that the affair had even happened. Cindy, in her mind, had to confess because of her guilt. Now she also felt betrayed by my brother, her former lover. Considering how she had cared after his and my father, this was especially searing for her. I told her I believe her and was there for her as she and I processed a raw bundle of emotions.
We went through a difficult period. As for me it took me over a decade and a half before I would have anything to do with my brother. Cindy never did. There was a permanent rent in our family that has never fully healed. That decade and a half later, when I decided to forgive my brother even though he had never asked for it, my forgiveness of him helped drive Cindy and I apart.
Looking back I can see that he was afraid. He had a wife and a family. The truth did not come out of his mouth until after Cindy was dead.
Of course when I told Cindy what Darryl said, she was even more livid than I was. I was angry with my brother and still processing that the affair had even happened. Cindy, in her mind, had to confess because of her guilt. Now she also felt betrayed by my brother, her former lover. Considering how she had cared after his and my father, this was especially searing for her. I told her I believe her and was there for her as she and I processed a raw bundle of emotions.
We went through a difficult period. As for me it took me over a decade and a half before I would have anything to do with my brother. Cindy never did. There was a permanent rent in our family that has never fully healed. That decade and a half later, when I decided to forgive my brother even though he had never asked for it, my forgiveness of him helped drive Cindy and I apart.
Monday, September 22, 2014
We opened up
After learning of Cindy's affair with my brother Darryl I went to my mom's house. There I met my sisters. I told them of what I learned and, surprisingly to me at the time, they stood up for my brother. Plus, my mom was sick herself and they said, "if mom learns of this it will kill her." I thought about this. I also thought of other very important things. I love Cindy. I have a family. I am partly to blame too because I had been a jerk. And, yes, we had been talking about opening our marriage anyway.
So, I went back home. I talked to Cindy and that's what we did. We did not do it for my sisters, my mom, or my brother. We did this because it was what we wanted to do, for us.
This was the 70's and this was before AIDS, and after the pill. But, this was before there were terms like sex-positive, polyamory and we were totally ignorant of what is now called the lifestyle and Tristan Taormino was not yet in grade school and her book Opening Up was decades away. With no guides, with no community, with no idea what we were doing we opened up our marriage and did it in a way that would now be called the wrong way to open up.
Of course there was still the issue of my brother to deal with...
So, I went back home. I talked to Cindy and that's what we did. We did not do it for my sisters, my mom, or my brother. We did this because it was what we wanted to do, for us.
This was the 70's and this was before AIDS, and after the pill. But, this was before there were terms like sex-positive, polyamory and we were totally ignorant of what is now called the lifestyle and Tristan Taormino was not yet in grade school and her book Opening Up was decades away. With no guides, with no community, with no idea what we were doing we opened up our marriage and did it in a way that would now be called the wrong way to open up.
Of course there was still the issue of my brother to deal with...
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Judgement or not
When you read what follows I know it may, or may not, make you think less of me. I can't help that. I hope it does not make you think less of Cindy. She was a sweet girl, only 19 at the time, I was 21.
According to Wikipedia, Open Marriage was a best selling book 1972 by Nena O'Neill and George O'Neill. It was on the New York Times best-seller list for 40 weeks. Cindy and I were readers. I can't remember if we read the book, but we may have. We certainly were aware of all the media hype then surrounding the book.
We talked about it and were even titillated by the idea of having other lovers. It was a fantasy we shared while we were having sex sometimes. Cindy was attracted to other women. She shared that fantasy too. She had at that time never had that experience.
When we became lovers, I was Cindy's second or third lover and she was my third. In the 1970's our country was in the middle of a sexual revolution. Please read the upcoming blog posts on Mary and Infidelity before passing judgement. We all make mistakes. But, was this a mistake or just a reaction to circumstances? Looking back I think maybe it saved our marriage.
Still it was not well timed or well thought out. We were in a very stressful situation and I was not helping. In 1977 Cindy had her affair with my brother Darryl.
Darryl lived out of state, thousands of miles away. He would come to visit our dad and, as it turned out, Cindy too. He was 35 and married with kids. At one point, perhaps during one of our conversations about open marriage, I seem to remember Cindy saying she felt attracted to Darryl and asking if she could have sex with him. I said no, it was not a good time for us to open our marriage. I did not know she had already done so.
In the summer of 1977 dad died. I quit the railroad. We moved to the state capitol. Sometime after that Cindy told me of her affair. She wanted to admit her guilt and unburden herself. I was crushed and left, I went to my mom's house.
According to Wikipedia, Open Marriage was a best selling book 1972 by Nena O'Neill and George O'Neill. It was on the New York Times best-seller list for 40 weeks. Cindy and I were readers. I can't remember if we read the book, but we may have. We certainly were aware of all the media hype then surrounding the book.
We talked about it and were even titillated by the idea of having other lovers. It was a fantasy we shared while we were having sex sometimes. Cindy was attracted to other women. She shared that fantasy too. She had at that time never had that experience.
When we became lovers, I was Cindy's second or third lover and she was my third. In the 1970's our country was in the middle of a sexual revolution. Please read the upcoming blog posts on Mary and Infidelity before passing judgement. We all make mistakes. But, was this a mistake or just a reaction to circumstances? Looking back I think maybe it saved our marriage.
Still it was not well timed or well thought out. We were in a very stressful situation and I was not helping. In 1977 Cindy had her affair with my brother Darryl.
Darryl lived out of state, thousands of miles away. He would come to visit our dad and, as it turned out, Cindy too. He was 35 and married with kids. At one point, perhaps during one of our conversations about open marriage, I seem to remember Cindy saying she felt attracted to Darryl and asking if she could have sex with him. I said no, it was not a good time for us to open our marriage. I did not know she had already done so.
In the summer of 1977 dad died. I quit the railroad. We moved to the state capitol. Sometime after that Cindy told me of her affair. She wanted to admit her guilt and unburden herself. I was crushed and left, I went to my mom's house.
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