Is Monogamy vs Polyamory a binary?

People talk about Monogamy vs. Polyamory/Consensual Nonmonogamy like it's a binary, like you're one or the other. I reject that notion.

Any binary requires two definite observable states, like on or off. That's the metrics. But with non-monogamy vs. monogamy, what are your metrics? Is it sex? Is it love? There are a lot of people who are asexual, don't have sex, but consider themselves polyamorous. Asexual polyamory is a real thing. There are a lot of swingers, folks in "the lifestyle," for whom it's all about sex and not developing feelings.

Of course, you have to define "monogamy." Some folks define monogamy so strictly that friends of the attracted to gender are forbidden. Other folks consider themselves monogamous if they don't have sex with people other than their partner, but are okay with kissing, cuddling, etc. And then, you have to define sex...

Monoamorous is a word and is aptly used in the realm of feelings, Monoamorous vs. Polyamorous. I would add in the realm of sex, Monosexual vs. Polysexual? Can a person be Polyamorous and Monosexual? I believe so but it's seldom talked about, except maybe as an "emotional affair." But, is it an affair if it's consensual? 

Consensual Monogamy (CM)

I think we need to talk more about "CM." By that I mean Consensual Monogamy. CM is about enthusiastic consent first and another "C", communication. CM is about both parties agreeing on their definition of monogamy for their relationship and their boundaries. CM is a relationship agreement. CM requires a "hell yes!" CM is not just being the cultural normative default blah blah. CM is intentional, communicated and agreed to. It is lived energetically. For me when people talk about CNM, I want to hear monogamy spoken about the same way, enthusiastic consent first! 

Buckets

In our culture we tend to put relationships into buckets with labels like family, friends and lovers. What if we get rid of the labels we put on the buckets? What if each relationship was its own bucket, has its own boundaries and no label at all? Boundaries could change as situations change. Relationships could constantly evolve and set their own levels. Why not get rid of the buckets? Would that be chaos? Would that be relationship anarchy? What if, perhaps, there never were any buckets? What if, perhaps, the idea of buckets was always an illusion?

Being the fat kid

I was terrorized in Intermediate School (now called Middle School). I was the fat kid. I will never understand why some people are so offended by the shape of other people’s bodies.

There was a pack of bullies with one alpha bully leading the pack. They terrorized me verbally and physically. There was a TV show named Maya around this time. The show featured an elephant named Maya. At school I was called Maya.

I was afraid of the bully pack. In the yard where we went to recess there was a little building, a shed really, where the grounds worker kept his tools. It was kept unlocked. I would hide in that shed during lunches and recess. One day the pack of bullies found out where I was. They surrounded the shed and taunted me to come out. I hid. The alpha bully opened the door. I was trapped. In the building there was an open bag of white lime that they used to mark the field for sports. I grabbed a handful of lime and threw it in the alpha bully’s. Lime is caustic. He screamed in pain. I ran out past him.

The bully pack told me they were going to kill me after school. Literally, kill me. I believed them. I hid and snuck home. Neither the school nor my parents would do anything. “They will have to work it out,” they said. Normally I walked the mile or so to and from school. My older sister was around 23 at the time. After I told her of the threats. She made the time to come pick me up and drive me home after school. I don’t remember how this whole situation ultimately resolved itself. All my life, people have been offended by my body. By other bodies too. My body is not something I should have to apologize for or change for the benefit of others. I refuse to shame myself or others. My body is not an apology.

"Relationships" and friendships

 Is sex the sorting hat that separates "Relationships" and friendships?

I used to ponder this a lot. Then, decades ago, I remembered I had some friends who decided for themselves to not have sex until they got married. I wondered to myself, what if one of them had gotten in a car accident on the way to their wedding, and had died? Would that have meant they had never been “more than” friends? Thankfully that didn’t happen. They married and procreated and 45+ years later they are still married, have kids and grandkids.

I don’t know (and don’t want to know) if they still have sex. That is none of my business. But, what if they don’t? Are sexless older couples no longer partners? Are sexless older couples “just friends”?

I leave it to people to decide who they are and label their own feelings and relationships in a way that resonates with them. If a person tells me they are asexual, polyamorous and have multiple partners then I accept and celebrate that. What people physically do, or don’t do, in their intimate relationships is none of my business.

Personally, for me, sex is not a relationship sorting hat. Relationships are like gender. People are free to choose their own labels. I have had many wonderful platonic partners in my life. And, I have had many wonderful non-platonic partners in my life. We know/knew who and what we are/were and don’t/didn't need others to define us.

This train of thought makes me think of a throuple I know. This family is an asexual person and two sexual people. They are living and loving together and raising their child together. They are a family, share expenses, parent and are a loving polyamorous throuple family. One of them is a person who does not experience sexual attraction. So what?

I am going to finish with this link: https://www.asexuality.org/

NEW Tarot Posts Have Moved

 

Starting Today All My NEW TAROT POSTS have moved to this blog: https://tarotofsam.blogspot.com/

I hope to see you there!

News

This morning I pulled the Ace of Pentacles. I interpret the Aces as bringers of news in the realm of the element. Pentacles is the element of Earth, the physical element. Speaking of physical things, today I tested negative for Covid after a protracted struggle with the disease that lasted most of December. That's awesome news! I am invoking the "Restore and Replenish" oracle card for continued healing and a return to health.

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As always when I speak of life, love and Tarot I speak only for myself. 

The Ace of Pentacles is from The Modern Love Tarot, by Ethony

The “Restore and Replenish” oracle card is from The Sacred Rebels Oracle, by Anna Fairchild