We cannot be silent

Polyish

Polyish: A space between polyamory & monogamy that is intense & intimate loving "friendships." Neither poly nor mono seems to fit. This is different that what is often labeled monogamish, a term that can often mean occasional sexual nonmonogamy.

Polyish relationships tend to be medium to long term, but don't have to be. They are emotionally intense & intimate relationships with people we love, whom we are committed to being there for, spending time with, loving, being emotionally vulnerable to, supporting, and nurturing each other in a way that would be culturally inappropriate in a monogamous context. Polyish friendships are not what some poly folks would consider to be polyamory. They may choose the label friends, but seem like more than friends, tends to have have some romantic alchemy, but not what is considered partners in a sexual or poly context.

I have also called this polylite.

This is similar to the quasiplatonic (aka queerplatonic) except that quasiplatonic tends not to have any or much romantic alchemy.

Thoughts on privacy

I think privacy is dead, that closets are going to be a thing of the past soon. Data is going to be increasingly insecure. We have seen it already, remember the Ashley-Madison hack as well as Clinton's emails?

I think we are all going to have our secrets dragged out into the open or stop using technology. Technology is going to force us to choose between transparency and convenience or isolation. Since technology is how we connect with one another, there really will not be a choice.

We are building an insecure, interconnected big-data society where people's habits, gender identity, sexual and relationship orientations, fantasies, fetishes and choice of partners will be laid bare. Since everyone will be revealed to be different the novelty of being different will be gone. We'll be just accepted as who we are. Everybody will be living in glass houses. We already are in fact, we just haven't embraced it.

I think the inability to hide or lie, and not get caught, is REALLY going to change how we view things like non-monogamy & sex work. I think people will have to be more honest & that is already happening & it is a really good thing.

This is bad for cheaters but great for polyamory. As cheating becomes more difficult, then impossible, I think polyamory will become the default model for non-monogamy.

Book Review: Coming Out Like A Porn Star, by Jiz Lee

Jiz Lee's book is an excellent anthology of over 55 short stories written by people in the adult-film industry. It's about their lives and experiences "coming out" to the significant "vanilla" people in their lives.

Sophia and I first heard about this book at the 2016 CatalystCon West Conference where Jiz Lee was giving a presentation about the book. Lee's presentation included several of the authors of stories in their book. This presentation changed forever our perception of porn stars and the adult-film industry.

The thing that most impressed us is how educated, intelligent and well spoken they are. The common misconception that all porn stars are either trafficked or do porn out of desperation was quickly obliterated. These porn stars are smart cookies all who do porn by choice as part of their sexual expression as well as as a job. They love their work.

Porn stars are a sexual minority. In my opinion, this book matters for more than porn stars. This is a really important book for all sexual minorities. The consequences the writers wrote about that many suffered as a result of coming out points to the fact that there still are legally unprotected sexual minorities beyond those currently defined and protected as LGBTQIA. That's why this is such an important book not just for porn stars. For example, folks who are in consensually non-monogamous relationships do not currently have legal protections from discrimination.

The biggest question I had in reading this book, and meeting these authors, though, was; why can't people in our society just let people be who they are and accept other people as they are? I mean really; why should there be this much agony about people being open about their work, gender expression, sexual and relationship orientation?

Until that happens; in the real world, all sexual minorities need legal protection from discrimination in their housing, financial lives and employment.

This is an excellent and important book. I highly recommend it!

My Review of Wide Open, by Gracie X

Almost a year ago I wrote about starting to read Gracie X's excellent book. Not only did I read it, I read it twice; within about six month's. I never do that. I never reviewed it on this blog (an oversight) after I finished it. The following review was actually written about six months ago (after my second reading) for another venue. Sorry for the delay, but this is still true. Gracie is a smart visual writer and she continues to inspire me:

This is my favorite polyamory book...

I think Gracie's memoir can be compared to The Price of Salt, the book that inspired the movie Carol. The plot of Wide Open is similar in some respects to the plot of Carol, but in a more contemporary setting. If you look over time at the arc of change from the 1950s (when The Price of Salt was written) to now, our culture has been through a change from rigidity and non-acceptance to more flexibility, more tolerance and greater acceptance. I think that's a good thing. But, we have a long way to go.

No matter where you stand on ethical non-monogamy; the ideas are important here. Just as it was for same sex couples in the 50s, the rights of people to define their relationships and their own lives and shape their families need to be respected.

When done with the best interests of the children in mind, polyamorous families are good families. This is that story. Gracie X is a great mom and an excellent writer. This book is very well written and her intelligence shows. I recommend this book.

Being "In Love"

I have been thinking a lot about the term "in love." What does it mean to be in love?

Is it being in New Relationship Energy (NRE)? Not for me. NRE is strong and intoxicating for me. For me it's that shiny new toy thing. But, I have had NRE fade away as the realities of life  came back into focus or the bubble dreams popped. For me NRE is not in love, nor is it love, NRE is NRE. So, what is this being in love thing?

I thought about it more. I even posted to Reddit about it. I wondered if "in love" even existed. I started thinking that no, it didn't. I started thinking being in love is just layman's terminology for NRE. I started thinking, there is no such thing as being in love.

Then I was up at night and started thinking that maybe I was thinking all wrong about it. I have come to a new understanding of being in love as being in me. To me the emphasis is the word "in." In is like roots that have grown into my soil. It's not about romance at all. I am in love with my wife, with my kids, with my dearest friends, selected past partners and even with my cat.

What if being in love has nothing to do with romance? What if instead being in love is about letting someone into your being, into your soil, into your soul?

Now that's a powerful concept to carry into life, to carry into polyamory.

It is over

We decided not to put a label on it, since neither friends, nor partners seemed to fit. We were not sexual but it was intimate in its own way. I love her and she said she loved me. She is amazing, unlike anyone I have ever known. So unlike is she, that I seemed to have a talent for unintentionally stepping on landmines, pushing her buttons and making her angry. She's sensitive. There's nothing wrong with sensitive. But, it became awkward. Finally she said, enough. I guess we finally found a label that fits. It is over.