About Marriage

Marriage is whatever the people in the marriage say it is. There is no right or wrong way to do marriage. This is reflected by the fact that people write their own vows commonly these days. The marriage "contract" is between the parties in the contract. Done with consent, changing the nature of the marriage is renegotiating the contract not breaking any vows. You cannot break an agreement you agreed to change. How one marriage is structured; closed, open or sexless, has no bearing on other marriages and does not invalidate or otherwise reflect poorly on the people involved as long as it is done consensually. Other parties are entitled to have opinions on marriages that are not their own, but they are not relevant really and the people in a marriage need feel no shame regarding their relationship structure. Marriage is a contract that may be terminated by either party unilaterally, at any time, without fault. That is the nature of marriage and therefore not a source of relevant shaming.

How do you like brussel sprouts?

I had a love who's scent (and taste) was like brussel sprouts. Normally I don't like brussel sprouts, but she was worth making an exception for. I love my wife's scent and taste which is definitely not like brussel sprouts. The brussel sprouts lady? Every time I have brussel sprouts it brings back happy memories and that makes it easier to eat brussel sprouts.

The Sacred Journey to Yourself

The reason I didn't belong in a witchy book club is that so many of the books I find most witchy are not considered witchy books. These are books about personal empowerment which for me is what being a witch is all about.

Jenya Turner Beachy wrote The Secret Country of Yourself, which is a very witchy witchy book. Beachy writes, "We watch our own reactions to events and situations and, through rigorous self-examination, we become familiar with our own depths and heights. We know ourselves and claim ourselves, in all our Parts, glorious and ugly, atrocious and brilliant. And to claim ourselves, we must accept ourselves."

This is exactly the point of Cheryl Strayed and Robyn Davidson's books and something I got out of Gracie X's book as well. We discover ourselves through a sacred journey (that can take many forms) and we become the instruments of our own power.

And, in my opinion, that is the point of all the witchy tools, potions and spells. They reflect back to us in a tangible way all the power that is in us as us.

That power was always there, perhaps untapped. We look at one another and say, "Thou Art Gods." Being a witch provides a narrative for the truth of that.

Camel Trips

“The two important things that I did learn were that you are as powerful and strong as you allow yourself to be, and that the most difficult part of any endeavour is taking the first step, making the first decision.”
― Robyn Davidson, Tracks

Tracks, the book by Robyn Davidson, was the right book at the right time in my life. It prepared me for my own camel trip (seemingly impossible task) when suddenly my life changed in a flash. It also taught me about the power of manifestation, about how you can be as powerful as you allow yourself to be, something I now call "being the witch." I did not have those words for it then, but it was a lesson I had to learn damn fast!

Camel Trips is a term I use for doing that really hard thing, like a woman's solo trek across 1700 miles of Australian outback. It can also be hiking the PCT (Pacific Crest Trail), or loosing weight, or leaving a bad relationship, or suddenly becoming a working single parent, or changing your gender identification, sexual or relationship orientation, coming out of the closet or leaving a bad job or facing the devastating loss from your life of a dear love.

My inspiration was Robyn Davidson's book Tracks. Wild, the book by Cheryl Strayed, is another such story. I am sure there are many many more.

Camel Trips are important. I believe we should not shy away from them. They are the stories of our lives that define us. Camel Trips are the forge. We emerge from them changed from iron to steel. They teach us we are as strong as we allow ourselves to be. A bit of a warning though, Camel Trips never end, they merely change form.

About that village

I think it's good, important even, for parents to have friends and/or family of all genders. These can be friends, other partners, biological family and/or other people. I mean people who you have a logical family connection with.

Just 28 years ago today, it was the other women in my life who were there for my sons and I, after the car accident that killed Cindy and hospitalized two of the three children she and I had. I had one male friend who was a notable exception, his name was Don. My other male friends either were clueless, or perhaps horrified that they too could suddenly be in a position of raising their children in the event of the sudden death of their mother.

My own mother had died about five years before and Cindy's mother was only good at criticising. It was the other women in my life, that group of people, many of whom some thought it was inappropriate for a married person to have; they were my village. They worked hand-in-hand with my sister and my niece in helping do what had to be done when we had to make funeral arrangements while two children are in the hospital.

That I think is one of the strongest arguments for poly. It creates bonds. Your polycule can become your village. It's not about sex. It's about connection and commitment. You can do it with dear friends too. But, it needs to be done. Especially when there's kids involved.

I know what you’re thinking...

When someone says to me, “I know what you’re thinking” I think of a number between 1 and 1000. I then reply, “I am thinking of a number between 1 and 1000, what is that number?” I find that they do not know what I am thinking, even if they think they do. And, why would anybody want to?

Mister Sam...

We were there, ruminating the difficulties of our relationships, my marriage and her triad. "Poly sucks," I said. She agreed.

"I wish I could be straight, be genuinely monogamous," I said.

There was silence. Then, She touched the side of my face. She looked at me, her lovely blue eyes. "Mister Sam," she said. (I love it so much when she calls me that.) "Mister Sam," she said again. "Nobody can make you straight. Nobody, not even me." Then gently she kissed me.

And, everything was okay.