In that singularity

Looking back on a few months ago I have come to the appreciation that the first six months of this year have been profound.

Meeting Anna changed me. I am still trying to understand it. She blew into my life like a hurricane (and is now a gentle zephyr.) She blew away a lot of stuff that needed to be cleared out. Now I am trying to figure out what to do with what I can now clearly see. But, I am getting ahead of myself...

When I was in the same room with her, at the book reading, I knew I was in the presence of an oracle. This amazing woman had a soul my soul was hungering for. I knew she knew it too. I knew she felt it too.

We were meant to connect. At this point the nature of that connection would be, was unclear. This was the quantum stage where everything that could be both was and was not. After a long conversation about her book, polyamory and life there was a ritual.

I am not going to explain it, just understand that it was so. This woman and I looked straight into each others eyes and I said to her, "thou art Goddess..."

In that singularity. I absolutely meant it. In that moment, I could not mean anything more.

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Bubble Dreams

And along came Anna...

I like the term "bubble dreams" to refer to fantasies and/or dreams you have about someone you have a major crush on, but where a potential relationship has not yet defined itself. This is during that smitten period, before NRE, when you have no idea if the bubble dreams even possibly can become real, or if they will just pop and go away.

It was not planned, but it was foreseen. I can't explain it better than that. For about six months before I met Anna I had dreams, dreams of a person, dreams of a place - that made no sense. This is going to sound woo-woo; but somehow I knew she was coming.

I had read her book and thought it was wonderful. Her book was a love story. But, this is not about her book, it's about Anna. This amazing author was at a local book reading and I had to go. I had no idea at the time she was the woman I had the premonitions about, until I was in the same room with her. I was instantly smitten.

I had no idea she was going to change my life. They say people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I am still hoping for a lifetime. I am hoping that's not the last bubble dream.

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Polyamory, a person can be be polyamorous and monogamous

My current definition of poly...
The meaning of the word polyamory changes with context. It is common in the English language for a word to have more than one meaning. As with some other words, it's possible to use the same word in a sentence in two different contexts.

Polyamory as a way to structure relationships:
Polyamory (loving many) is a way to structure open relationships that focuses on the option of emotional romantic (and often sexual) attachment in a context of consent of all parties involved. There are a lot of specifics that can vary depending on the relationship agreements of the parties involved.

So, my taxonomy would be non-monogamy/open relationships/poly with poly being a subset of open and open being a subset of non-mono. Rather than being polar opposites, in my opinion, there is a multi-dimensional spectrum of possibilities including swinging and polyamory.

Polyamory as an orientation:
In another context Polyamory (loving many) can be a type of relationship orientation where a person finds they are non-monogamous by nature and would prefer to be able to honestly and openly be who they are.

Implications:
A person can be polyamorous and monogamous, at the same time!

1. A person can be living in a polyamorous relationship structure and themselves be monogamous or find they are not happy because their own relationship orientation is monogamous.
2. A person can be in a monogamous relationship structure and find themselves wishing they could be able to honestly and openly express romantic love and/or have intimate relationships with other people - but be unable to transition their current relationship or leave it. It may not even be physically safe for them to be poly, even though they may self identify as poly.

Note:
I was poly long before there was a term poly. Whether I acted on them or not, whether I was free to do so or not, I would develop deep romantic connections for multiple people all the time. It took me 40 years to realize I was not broken, that was and is my orientation. I can make a decision to live mono, but that's not my heart's path. It's like someone who is mono and bi. Choosing a person of either gender to be mono with does not make a bi person not be bi. I will die poly no matter what my relationship status is.

Poly Argument for MFM

I have found that most (not all) "public" examples of polyamory are FMF (two females one male) with the two women being bi. This seems to be the predominant model both sexually and emotionally. I don't know why this is, it seems there is a cultural bias favoring FMF.

Why?

It seems to me that our bodies are telling a different story. I have done both FMF and MFM and dare I say, especially sexually, MFM works better. It's much easier for two men to please a woman, & for a woman to please two men, than the other way around. In FMF the refractory period can be a problem. In MFM it is a benefit.

In MFM two men can work together to bring higher levels of stimulation to the woman. One man can be fingering, or using a small vibe on, her clitoris while the other is moving in and out of her. This is, in fact, one of my favorite ways of having sex.

I think Christopher Ryan was spot on on this one.

An added benefit is in MFM the woman is typically in the middle. On sleepovers, in the the middle of the night, as a man, it is much easier to get up to pee when you are not in the middle.

My review of The Price of Salt, by Patricia Highsmith

This was one of the best books I have ever read. The quality of writing is rich and layered like a glass of fine red wine. It is intelligent and full of passion in and of the story.

Salt, as I read it, is a metaphor for passion, love and companionship - the kind person who normative people often call "the one." So the title translates to, the price of being with the one.

This book is an important book on so many levels. I think it is a story that poly people need to pay attention to.

According to Wikipedia:

The Price of Salt (later republished under the title Carol) is a 1952 romance novel by Patricia Highsmith, first published under the pseudonym "Claire Morgan".

At the time homosexuality was a crime and just being a lesbian could be enough to cost a woman custody of her child. The topic was so sensitive the author had to use a pseudonym (as so many of us, myself included, do in Polyland).

In the book, Carol Aird and a woman named Therese become lovers. While, at the same time, Carol and her estranged husband Harge are going through a divorce. Carol and Harge have a young daughter, Rindy. The book is about Carol's relationship with Therese and how that romance is used as a weapon by Harge, in their divorce, to take Rindy away from Carol.

The Price of Salt is a wonderful love story, and so much more. In terms of same sex relationships, it also tells the story of how bad things were for same sex couples, how far we have come and how cultural values can destroy, instead of reinforce, loving families that are not culturally normative.

We can look back on history and say, "shame on them then." But, these kinds of attacks still go on involving people who love differently.

Gracie X, an excellent mom, went through a similar court battle as chronicled in her book Wide Open. Like Harge in The Price of Salt, Gracie's partner Oz's estranged spouse went after Oz and tried to block his custody rights because of his relationship with Gracie. This kind of stuff still happens.

Knowing what Gracie and Oz and their kids went through and knowing that this kind of story is not just history, but in other contexts is political science, made The Price of Salt especially poignant for me.

I see a real similarity in the plot behind both of these books. They are both love stories with lovers, who are good parents, battling a sex negative culture. I strongly recommend both books!

My review of A Life Less Monogamous, by Cooper S. Beckett.

Ryan and Jennifer are a couple who’s monogamous marriage is growing sexually stale. They meet a swinger couple and decide to do something bold. In the process they discover themselves.

This is the story line in A Life Less Monogamous – a novel about swinging by Cooper S. Beckett.

When people ask me about opening up their marriage, I advise them to imagine what it’s going to be like; then be prepared for the experience to be unlike anything they have imagined.

For Cindy and I, like Ryan and Jennifer in the book, ethical non-monogamy was an amazing journey of sexual as well as almost spiritual discovery of others and of ourselves. For me, it continues to be.

Cooper’s book is very human. It touches on the raw feelings and yes, emotions, that are often brought up by the various forms of non-monogamy. If you are already ethically non-monogamous, read this book and be prepared to ask yourselves new questions about your experiences. I know I did.

If you are monogamous, considering non-monogamy, this is a must read. It’s a great book even though it’s not a how-to manual.

If I have one minor nit is there seems to be an emerging narrative of non-monogamy stories embracing non-monogamy as a cure for relationship bed death. Yes, it can be that. I am concerned that this may emerge as building a use case for non-monogamy as a prescription, rather than non-monogamy being seen as an opportunity for fulfillment and discovery and authenticity as I believe non-monogamy can be.

Thank you Cooper S. Beckett, this is a great book. I think we need more ethical non-monogamy fiction. Stories like this build a case for ethical non-monogamy not only being possible, but also for ethical non-monogamy providing an opportunity for growth.

I may have to get Cooper to sign my Kindle, again.

Imagine

Imagine seeing the beauty and virtues of a beloved and letting go of how their strengths might meet our needs or how their beauty might make us look better.

Imagine seeing another in a clean light of love, without enumerating the ways in which that person does and does not match up to the fantasy we carry around of our perfect mate or dream lover.

Imagine meeting another person in the freedom and innocence of childhood and playing together, without plotting how to make this person give us the kind of love we wish we could have gotten in our actual childhood.

-- The Ethical Slut

Thank you Multiamory for posting this to Facebook.

My reply: This is wonderful. It's been a long time since I read this book and I had forgotten this. Sometimes it's so heartbreaking being poly. Sometimes I can't believe how lucky we are to be able to love people like this.