When my first wife Cindy and I opened our marriage in the 1970's the lack of an Internet was a curse for us because we didn't have instant access to a poly community to tell us how to do poly right and how to not do poly drama. Lenny and Mary were the only people we knew who had an open marriage. We shaped our non-monogamy together with only ourselves as resources. We had no insight of other voices to avoid the mistakes we made. Funny, but the lack of the Internet and other voices was also a blessing, because we had to use our own imagination. It did not occur to us to create rules or to establish hierarchies or to not give other lovers agency.
All we knew was that we loved each other but monogamy wasn't working for us and that non-monogamy was not something we wanted to end our marriage or break up our family over. Could we have done it better, heck yes! But, we broke what would now be considered poly rules and we found our own way. And, shouldn't finding your own way really be the goal?
Lacking even the word polyamory, and knowing what we were doing wasn't really purely swinging either, we made up our own word for what we were doing. It was a word that reflected more than a little self shaming. That word was weirdness. I wish we had appreciated the love and creativity in what we were doing more.
Now, sometimes, in my older age I think that society is catching up with us. I wish Cindy and Mary were still alive to see this. It would be interesting to be able to talk to them about what we were all doing that seemed so wrong and right at the same time; was really right after all.
No comments:
Post a Comment