Being poly vs. living poly

I think that polyamory is a state of mind and/or a lifestyle; depending on the context of how the word is used.

As a state of mind I think it's possible for a person to be polyamorous and not to live polyamorously. There may be a number of reasons that a polyamorous person chooses to, or is unable to, live a polyamorously. For example, they may be in a relationship with a monogamous person who they love but for whom living poly is not something they can do. Another example are poly oriented people in cultures where poly is not an option. Go back 40 years and that was true in our culture.

Such a person might seem outwardly monogamous, but has a desire for, or an affinity toward, a poly lifestyle should that be an option. It may be the case that a person has one relationship that is sexually monogamous and maybe other relationship(s) that are emotionally polyamorous. Typically a state of mind like this is called an orientation. I consider that to be a polyamorous relationship orientation.

It's also possible, and sadly increasingly common, for people to live a polyamorous lifestyle but be monogamously oriented. People like this may be in a relationship with a polyamorusly oriented person, or persons, and just not be happy or able to be happy living polyamorously.

Frankly, I think people should try to live a life that matches their orientation. That takes knowing who you are and living a workable lifestyle that matches that knowledge.

As an aside, I believe it's easier for a poly oriented person to live a mono relationship than the other way around. But your mileage may vary on this.