During the time (1970s and 80s) of my poly relationships with both my inamorata Mary and my wife Cindy, emotions were very confused. Cindy and Mary were best friends and some intimacy occurred between them as well. Cindy was bi-curious and had very strong fantasies of having a female lover. But, she also had a conflict of her own over very strong conservative religious beliefs, which said homosexuality, and open marriage for that matter, was a major sin. The goal of the faith then was for gays to pray the gay away.
We still all were caught up in the hetronormative mindset in different ways. I was okay with Cindy exploring her bisexuality, in fact it was kinda hot to me when I got to see her and Mary together and with others. I did not have the guilt and self shaming over that that Cindy had over what we did. That was her struggle. My struggle was different.
What I struggled with was my love for Mary. I told Mary I loved her many times but she never admitted her love for me until after Cindy died in a car accident, about a decade after Mary and I stopped being sexually intimate.
Polyamory did not exist as a word when we had our triad and did not learn that word until well into the 21st Century. So, I thought my falling in love with Mary meant by definition that I was falling out of love with Cindy. I think now that was Mary’s fear and that’s why she said to me at the time, “I am not in love with you.”
This is the scarcity model of love. It treats love like a glass of water. If you pour the water from one glass to another, neither can be full.
In my mind being in love with two people simply was not possible. It took me a long time and a lot of pain to realize not only was it possible, it was my normal. Even more than two…
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